Monday, October 31, 2005

while watching degrassi the next generation before going to sleep


it's monday nite and i have a wicked headache. wicked in the bad sense, not the 8th grade sense. i am going to go to sleep soon. in 15minutes or so. and then i will wake up in the morning and go to the library. and then go to class. right now i am talking to lg on msn.

today in tutorial the conversation turned to sex and penis for about two minutes before i managed to get it back on track. clearly the digression was more interesting than the actual topic at hand.

i told alex i would post - but i am sure that she was hoping for something a little more inspired.

don't worry though - tomorrow will probably be better

Sunday, October 30, 2005

sunday nitetime

today is sunday.

yesterday i talked to tara for probably the last time before she lives in budapest. i have decided that rather than being horribly jealous of her and amy i should try to look at this as an opportunity to get excited about living on the west coast (and only be a little jealous)

today i read 85pages of Hegel, which leaves 15pages and 500word commentary for tomorrow (yikes!!) too much schoolwork. especically if i want to go away next week. tonight i had dinner by myself at the local gastro-pub (a pub which serves proper food). I have never had dinner by myself before. it was quite an important step for my development as an adult. and it was delicious! i never want to cook for myself again!!

i am watching grey's antanomy - the greatest show on t.v. as we all know. and it's making me cry.

also today there was a cute guy working at the coffee shop and a cute guy at the restaurant. a good cute guy day. the cute guy at the restaurant looked like B. but not quite as cute.

yesterday no work got done - but i should be okay if i do a lot of work everyday next week. should hopefully. hopefully should.

final thought - james agreed with my comment on alex's blog. this is key b/c one of my life goals is for james to like me.

another life goal (but not really) is to own my own pub. how sweet would that be?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

gbs and life changes

saturday night.

in my previous lives i would have been out - but not this one. halloween '03 seeing the woods band live at the Belfast fesitval at queens. going to the parlour after with naffie - naffie kissing shane (?) the lead singer - and i got dave's buisness card for theorectical future hookups in dublin. that was a sweet night.

i have reached the conclusion that i should be concerned about how i am adjusting. i think that recognizing that was the first step. the second and third steps were booking a three day trip to seattle and making an appointment to get my hair cut. i don't have to be happy - but i can at least be contented.

one good thing to come of all of this is that i decided to watch a movie tonight - and turned on the tv (which was off until grey's atonomy) and (thank you bravo and law and order) GBS live at the rehersal on was on. the god's are smiling at me. i got the gbs email but i had forgotten. so that will defeintly make me happy over the next hour. i will also eat a wonderful dinner of random food.

alan doyle is looking a little bit older (which makes me a little sad but i guess it's to be expected) but he still has gorgeous hair - and i would still sleep with him in a second. sean mccann is also hot - but that's just too weird.

morning has broken

homemade chai lattes.
listening to any questions.
went for a walk and had a shower.
enjoying 10:30am on saturday.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

very boring post

so let's see...

today i talked with the old grad advisor. (old as in previous versus he was old). it was really good. what else? i should probably iron a shirt to wear tomorrow. but that involves clearing the table, getting out the ironing board, ironing.... although at the moment i am clearly not engaged in anything more valuable.

it is fall-winter time. all the good oscar movie are starting to come out. mayor juliani (sp?) is on law and order. (it must be very obvious what i am doing - however - i shall do dishes and (maybe) iron) and then i shall do work. fingers crossed than i shall do work.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

wed. nite.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

greatest song ever! (no hyperbole here whatsoever)

mint chocolate chip ice cream and 8pm law and order. in ten minutes i will change from my cords to my fabulous uvic pants and read foucault. discipline and punish.

the end of essentialism

in reading foucault there is some discussion of torture. torture and bodies and power - it all goes together quite nicely. but here's the thing which is bothering me. not so much about foucault - but about torture in general.

if we look to the u.s. in iraq or torture camps in chile during the 1980s (during the time in chile when that stuff was happening) we see a shift in who is doing the torturing.

in the 1500, 1600, 1700, 1800s etc. it was men who were doing the torturing. mainly because it was men who were doing everything. unfortunetly - it seems that in the 20th and 21st centuries torture has become yet another equal opportunity employer.

no i know what you might be thinking - torture is torture is torture - it's bad - what does it matter who is doing it - women have the same capacity for evil as men - look at Karla Hamolka.

but there is something about the idea of women systamatically torturing other human beings that fills me with a deep and profound sadness. i don't want to accept that women are capable of this. that if given the opportunity women would be as prepared as men to debase themselves and others in this fashion. not okay. i want to believe that there is something about women which is fundamentally different (not better - different) than men. that women could not do this. and i am discovering that there is not.

which in some ways destroys the promise of feminism. the promise of a different way of seeing/experiencing/understanding the world. undermining an ethics of care (as opposed to justice). all the arguements about actions being dependent on the situation etc. out of character etc. they apply equally to women as to men.

maybe this destroys the essentialist arguement once and for all. maybe this is proof postitive that there are no differences. that underneath it all we really are the same. but if this is what it means to be the same - maybe i'd rather be different.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

britain doesn't have a constitution - why does iraq need one?

softwood lumber!!
today i got a package from marypat. she is the bestest person ever. i should definetly send more mail myself. and i talked to lauren on the phone. it was a kingston night.

tomorrow must be a foucault day. seven hours of sleep. precious, beautiful, wonderful sleep.

Monday, October 24, 2005

development work and me

i feel like i want to have some deep and profound thoughts tonight. however - this is very unlikely. so i will just have my normal thoughts.

today i got an email from amy - two in fact - the second was about jw who is currently in lesheto working with aids/hiv patients in a clinic. this is especially relevant now as i am just recently completed this weekends emotional/intellectual freak-out about doing a phd on development theory. and though i still have no interest in doing that particularly - i am starting to think. i always thought that development work was someone else. someone like amy. someone who really wanted to do it - to change the world - and who was in a position to actually, possibly, achieve that kind of goal.

changing the world through development work was for someone else - not for me. the thing i realized today is that that isn't good enough. i mean - i'm not saying that i am going to do substantial development work. but what i think that i want to realize is that, for me, that decision is a choice. if i was a different person - someone who hadn't gone to university - someone from a lower-income background where i wasn't expected to and right now i would married and living in a rented house in a town of 10,000 while my husband worked in a factory that would be a completely respectful life - and it never would have occured to that me to go to africa/india/asia and work with an ngo, work with the un. work on the ground.

the thing is - that's not me. me is an upper-middle class white girl, from a multi-cultural city - the product of the (okay - one of the) best universities in Canada - who chooses to remain largely unaware and ignorant of what goes on in the world. who chooses not to send 10% of my paycheck to steven lewis, who chooses not take time off from her precious life and do something. help someone.

there are many reasons why i do not want to be "in the feild" somewhere. i don't like hot, i don't like bugs, i like showering everyday. i like the north american/european lifestyle to which i am accustomed. and it is a lot to ask of a person to put other people (and by other people we mean strangers, not one's family) ahead of oneself. even for a small amount of time. this is very difficult for people to do. in our society no one really has to do that. (maybe some medical professionals, the police - but that is your job - whereas moving to africa would be your life).

but the thing is - it should NOT be a lot to ask. if someone is lucky enough to enjoy 80 years of food, sheltar, television, and climate control - if it really so much to ask that they take 6months and try to improve the lives of people for whom food is something which happens every other day, sheltar is temporary, television is.... ? and climate control is light coloured clothing?

the other thing is - what could i do? i have no skills. i speak..... english. i obviously don't know very much about this - and in many respects that's just another reason which i am giving to myself as to why i am not "there".

this is not something which i am going to work through in the next several days - i don't know why i feel this overwhleming amount of pressure to create my life. i am still young. it's not like i am planning to have kids at 28 so i better be ready by then or anything. it's not like i'm planning to die? hell - if i was planning to die i probably wouldn't be so concerned with what to do in the next year or two.

so far i have never felt that i was making decisions about my life at the expense of living it - if anything the opposite. and i think starting now would be very stupid. the problem is that it's not like it's as simple as choosing life decisions column A and life decisions column B. wtf is an experience anyways?

i want instant results in a world where that is not possible.

Dawson's theme song:

I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

my resolution for tonight is to try to do more of the little things in life - because when i do them i enjoy them - and maybe that will relax me enough that i will actually be able to acomplish schoolwork - because i cannot make decisions about what i am interested in without knowledge of my choices.

as a final note - i think we can appreciate the irony of me agonizing over what choices to make in order that i can make the most of my life - when over half of the world wakes up in the morning wishing that they had the luxury of that choice.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


how pretty is that? Posted by Picasa

okay. this is my final picture posting of the day. i think that it is super pretty. i realize that victoria is very pretty - but it's not this pretty. how pretty!


kwak - the world's most fabulous beer glass Posted by Picasa

i have not yet grown tired of posting pictures. so here is another one. i own this beer glass. how cool is that? to each his own - to each beer its own glass that is. i am so not funny.

city centre

Belfast City Hall Posted by Picasa

sunday at school

it is noontime and i am at school - having retrieved my hegel text i am doing a bit of reading here before heading off. this is my blog break!! wow. what kind of life do i lead if "blog break" is worth of exclamation marks. this morning i made my own chai latte and took it to school in my travel mug. it makes me feel very special making my own chai lattes. because i need yet another very expensive habit. although a box of chai is less than the price of two coffee-shop purchased chai lattes. so perhaps i'm being economical? an unlikely perhaps, but a perhaps none-the-less.

i'm obsessed

okay - so i've officially becomes obsessed with my blog and the blogs of those around me. this is not cool. i mean - clearly it is not cool in the sunglasses and converitable sense of the word - it is also not cool because i don't need more distractions in my life.

speaking of - this two days without t.v. thing is disturbingly difficult for me. i think i have learned a valuable lesson about television dependence. tomorrow morning i am going to leave my house very early and go to school because - genius that i am- i left my copy of hegel in the grad office. so i am going to have to not watch five hours of coronation street tomorrow morning.

i'm also in the process of making major medium-term life decisions.

oh right - the reason for this post is because in the last four hours 8 people viewed my blog. that's maddness!!! however, my excitement is tempered by the fact that most - if not all - were blog-spammers - and so they are simply using me and brilliant ideas as a cog in the proliferation of capatilaism.

speaking of brilliant ideas - here is my metaphor of the day:
like a small child with crayola scissors who has not yet discovered that they cannot acutally cut anything.

that was deep. is it any suprise that i have problems.

Saturday, October 22, 2005


okay okay - so i have like four pictures which i like. whatever - i will continue to like them and to subject everyone else to them (when everyone else means like two other people) Posted by Picasa

and not to worry - it is more than likely that the novelty of posting pictures will wear off soon. either that or i will take more pictures that are not two years out of date and post those.


okay - i put zuccinni in my stir fry - excellent idea. it was part of the "hmmm... maybe i should eat vegtables" moment of the weekend. though it backfired in that now there is too much food and i can't eat it all.

i am listening the the rent soundtrack. it is coming out as a movie. Jesse L. Martin (who was in the original broadway production) is in it as Collins. That was why he got shot on Law and Order - so that he could be off the show for long enough to film the movie. it stars mainly the people from the original broadway cast. which is weird b/c they are 10 years too old - but also excellent b/c that's how it should be. it's a movie. we suspend imagination. Det. Green causing civil disobeidence - cool!

today i was searching blogs from victoria (looking for mine) and i came across someone i know. that was weird. so then i read a little bit - but because i know her (not well - but we chat) i felt that it was weird to be reading her blog with her knowing in a kind of strange voyeur sort of way. so i will tell her i found it accidently and then she will (probably) tell me i can read it if i want.

not being addicted to herion makes me happy. (rent) i love rent. i think the best part though - is that there are definetly words in the lyrics that I did not know what i meant when i was 15 which i have sinced learned. oh sheltered anglo gifty childhood.

maybe i will now experiment with my new chai stuff. i need to buy a mug. a good, big, comfy mug. a mug which provide me with emotional fulfilment. fill the dark, gaping void in the middle of soul. okay - so maybe no such void exists, but still. i want a mug!

knitting and brie

so i went and checked out the oak leaves bazar. i must say i was expecting more. there were lots of knitted clothing for children, and i looked to see if i could find a knitted outfit for a cat so i could send it to rayne - but alas - no luck.

things that bug me: buying brie at a grocery store. i want to buy a single-serving of brie. like an amount that will last me two days and cost me under $2. not a large amount which costs $5 and is party size. i have learned a valuable lesson. don't try to buy brie at grocery's stores. even if they are cute, local grocery stores.

for alex and about Hegel

this post is for alex. she said i should post more. apparently, like me, she thinks everyone should post at least a half dozen times a day in order to keep their friends entertained. if only. it is almost noon and i have done no schoolwork today. but i did take a walk and talk to alex and england on the phone. that's at least something.

I have to read more Hegel today. Hegel Hegel Hegel. Marsha Marsha Mastha. i am not going to watch t.v. until grey's anatomy tomorrow night. so that should give me lots of time to do work. in theory. today is the oak bay old people's fair. i wanted to go to that. i don't really know where it is or at what time it ends - perhaps i should look into that. i should also do dishes. and read HEGEL!!

Friday, October 21, 2005


i could never hope to stumble across anywhere more perfect. Posted by Picasa

to quote amy's irish friend from lyon's travel philosophy adopted by me as my life philosophy "you never see anything you weren't supposed to see". you never meet someone you weren't supposed to meet. you never go anywehre you weren't supposed to go. so why not see as much as possible?

(un)deep thoughts

i thought i was doing a pretty good job at my new life philosophies, including specifically not freaking out and not being obsessive. apparently i have failed. however - i would like to state categorically that it is not my fault and that my failures are the responsibility of others.

however, i will continue to need and rely on people, even if they say things which cause me to become emotionally unhinged through no fault of their own. i guess an irrational reaction to something someone says has more to do with me than them. hmmmm... so are you saying i should work on me? no. clearly i am perfect. my irrational responses are completely justified (isn't justified the defintion of irrational?)

i think i will take a year and move to belfast and work. i think that's an excellent plan.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

sometime btw. procrastinating and er.

i need to read jeffery stout for tomorrow. religious studies. but related to poli theory. i should care more and be reading it. and yet somehow i feel that i will end up watching e.r. maybe i'll read one article tomorrow morning and fake it.

i bought chai latte making stuff today. i've never done that before. i'm excited. i don't know if it will any good. it's an experiment. all in the name of science. SCIENCE!!! i posted a funny science joke on alex's blog. it wasn't really that funny. objectively. i thought it was hillarious.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

tuesday night.

listening to the streets.



i have a new favourite quote from see above. it goes along the lines of "i can barely remember my opinions without remembering the reasons for them"

i don't feel that this relates directly to my life like the brilliant grey's antomy's quote from my previous blog post. but this one is definetly amusing.

i wish i talked in british words. but i don't. and it is super unlikely that i ever will. though it would def. be something i would want to be able to turn on and off.

also - donna haraway deserves way more credit than i originally gave her credit for. it's good stuff haraway.

Monday, October 17, 2005

"you met a fictional character?"

corner gas is the greatest show ever. we should all watch it all the time. corner gas is referencing "the littlest hobo!" ohmigd it doesn't get any better than this!! i love canada!!

i also love deborah and julie and the parlour at close when the play the littlest hobo song. yay for exporting our culture!!

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I'll always be
Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.
Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.
So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light - that's hobo style.

finding a moment.

it is a rainy monday morning. i am sitting on my couch. listening to sarah mchlachan. i just finished my hazelnut latte - nonfat, extra hot. it was raining when i went to the coffee store. i like rain. i like being wet while staying dry. i am going to do some work soon. i wish life were as simple as finding a perfect moment and wrapping yourself up inside it - staying warm and safe - never having to emerge.

the problem with that - aside from the obvious - is that maybe that perfect moment is not as wonderful as the perfect moments yet to come. when do you know - how do you tell - the most perfect moment of your life? how do you know who the perfect person is to share your life with? or do you just choose the moment and try to make it work. or deny yourself the opportunity to create a more perfect moment.

last night in the voice over at the end of the show meredith said "pretend is a cage, not a cacoon". t.v. might not have all the answers - but i thought that was a pretty good start.

Sunday, October 16, 2005



what about the name rosie for a girl. now i know at first it sounds daft, but if you think about it for a while i think it starts to grow on you.

or maybe a pet. i think it would definetly be a good name for a pet. Donna Haraway has a dog named Sojornor Truth which I think is fabulous. I bought some soup for lunch.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

gramaphonic machine

it is 11 at night and i am listening to bbc radio 4. and i am happy to be doing it. i have 10 pages of hegel to read still. tomorrow i must do more work.

i keep trying to do laundry - but the people keep always having laundry in the laundry machine. this makes it very difficult of me to wash things. i need to wash my sheet and my whites and my socks. i also need to buy more socks. that is very important. maybe on monday i will go downtown and buy socks.

there is going to be a general strike on monday. i don't like that. i don't know what that means for me and teaching my tutorials. well - i mean i know that i can't hold them - so i don't know what i don't know - but i've never had to participate in a strike before.

i am very excited because some of my shows that used to be on radio 4 are now on radio 7 so i didn't think that they were still on - but they are! so i can listen to them. they are comedy shows. so i can laugh.

i love to laugh - hahahahahaha
loud and long and clear
i love to laugh
so everybody can hear
the more i laugh - hahahahahaha
the more i'm filled with glee
the more the glee -hahahahahaha
the more i'm a merrier me

mary poppins.

i'm not actually laughing. well - maybe not laughing like that. but it still makes me happy :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

brittney spears

do think i should be concerned that i am 22 and i have yet to achieve even a small amount of what brittney spears has achieved in by the time she was 17? Though in fairness she is probably one of the most famous and successful young person of my generation. hmmmmm... that raises an interesting point - what does this really say about my generation. is it my generation i should be blaming or the generation above me? below me? in the sixties i think people knew that what was going on mattered. yeah - it was crazy hippy music/writing/parties etc. but something was going on. what is going on now? we have naomi klein - though i don't know if she is really my generation. green day has their any war videos. but what else?

if i were brittney spears i would think/hope that i would be able to do something with my celebrity. but this isn't really applicable for two reasons. the first is clearly that i can't sing and don't look like the barbie next door (i only wish). the second is that even if brittney were a genius (or me as brittney - this of course implies that i am a genius) and she attempted to furthur some sort of political agenda she wouldn't be where she was now. people don't like controversy - they don't like opinions - they like pretty girls and easy answers (or alternately easy girls - but that might be the subject for another post).

Sunday, October 09, 2005

sunday morning

sunday morning -

i'm watcihng coronation street while eating breakfast while thinking about starting my work shortly. I'm a little concerned with posting after reading Alex's blog. my thoughts seem rather pedestrian and uninspired by comparrison. my thoughts revolve around how my life is like coronation street, or why i want it to be more like coronation street (including why i love tyrone - see coronation street). it could also be because it's just past 9 o'clock in the morning. though i slept for 10 hours last night so i can't really make an arugment that it's too early because early is clearly relative.

Friday, October 07, 2005

emails and people

i got emails from tara and amy today. tara was kind enough to update me on B. she always so thoughtful that way. pretty woman is on tv now. i don't think that i'm going to start considering prostitution as a future occupation any time soon. i'm thinking maybe.... ?? okay. i think maybe i'll stop thinking. i'm good at that. maybe i should start posting when in a positive mood.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

i've had some thoughts today. the first thought is that i really like jacob hoggard. the second is that i watch too much tv. the third is that if i stop watching too much tv i might actually be able to pull this whole school thing off. also - chico is the world's greatest cat.