so the other day I was thinking....

Everyone I know is getting older. I realize that every second of every day we all grow older, but in a more abstract sense of the word, I feel as though everyone I know is getting older. and so imagine my suprise when the other day it occured to me that within the next ten years I will probably have a child. That's right. Ten years is not a long time and a child is a really really big deal. So after my panic attack began to subside I thought about all the things I have done in the past ten years. I am not going to create a completely self-serving list of things - but I feel that since half-way through the 8th grade I've achomplished a fair number of things.

In grade 8 I wore black jeans pretty much everyday, still had my mom drive to me the mall (in fairness, we used to go to the across town mall to see movies with our across-town friends), did not think I was especialy beautiful, had never dated a boy, didn't know my parents as people, didn't really appreciate art and knew what I wanted out of life.

Since that time things have changed, I now wear blue jeans, take the bus all by myself, think I am beautiful, have dated a boy (a man even!), know and love my parents as the beautiful and imperfect people they are, love art and am no longer sure what I want out of life.

However, I still rarely wear skirts, I don't like to drive, I cannot do my own hair, I have never been married, I still don't know my sister as a person, I don't like ballet and I know very little about opera, and I cannot see my future.

My point is that ten years is a long time. In ten years I expect to be the person I am now, just with different priorities, a little more money, and more people to love. And at the end of my thought about having a child within ten years, I realized that when that happens I will be both ready (or as ready as one can be) and lucky, even if right now I couldn't begin to tell you where in the world I will be in ten years, or what I will be doing, or what I will think or believe. But see the thing is, in the last 10 years I have begun to trust myself. And that is why I know it will be all good.

change

I've been thinking lately about change.

we spend years trying to figure out who we are, and what we believe, and what we stand for, and once we figure something out, we can just put it in a little box and keep it there. decided. peremanent. part of who we are. but then someone comes along and asks "why"? Why do you think that? what assumptions have you made that are causing you to think that. look at my assumptions - aren't they valid too? and then you have to work through everything again. looking at their arguments and your beliefs and deciding what to keep and what to throw away.

and this is not always an easy thing to do. it can be very unsettling when changing beliefs can affect how you define yourself. and on the one hand, sometimes I think that if I were really strong person I would stick to my thought out beliefs no questions asked. but I think the situation is more nuanced than that. I believe that by allowing myself to question my beliefs I can gain both compassion and wisdom. and I think admitting that you are not right makes you stronger, and not weaker.

today I got really upset about something really stupid and I kept going over it in my head, and then I said - wait an hour - see how you feel then. So I did lots of things and then came back to it. and realized that though I still thought what I thought and wanted a chance to work through my thoughts and feelings outloud - that the situation as a whole was not as important, not as life and death as I thought it was. I am in this great big hurry to grow up. to appear grown up on paper. but there are many ways of growing up - most of which are not quantifiable - and owning a home, having more degrees, being married, buying a dog - these can all be things that I want to do someday - but doing them today won't make me happier. I am happy. these "grown up" things will make my life different - but not better. and at some point change for the sake of change is pointless. I want to look to the future - to choices and decisions that will affect my life - and I want to have many many options. but not forcing my hand, just because, when I am already happy now.