yesterday

Yesterday I had a fabulous day.

1) went shopping with mom. Mom bought me clothes.
2) met my friend Tara. decided to go for lunch. as it was already 1:30 decided to get frozen yogurt to stave off pre-lunch hunger pains.
3) had lunch around 3 at a lovely little Thai restaurant. Only $8.
4) went to honest eds. I have never been there before. it's a toronto institution.
5) went out for coffee. split a piece of cheesecake and had some tea.
6) went shopping (well, browsing...)
7) had dinner (it's around 9pm now) at "fresh" a veggie restaurant. Only $9.
8) went out to a pub for some live music and pints
9) arrived home where Tara stayed the night
10) woke up and had orange juice, coffee, and banana bread with my parents and Tara
11) Tara left around 11am.

Seriously - A day filled with shopping, food, friends, and fun. All days should be so fabulous.

Happy New Years!

wireless, and a list for good measure

Right now I am in the basement of my house - and as luck would have it - the basement is providing me with something that my upstairs cannot - wireless internet! Apparently from here I can access a wireless network that I could not access from upstairs. Even though it is the holidays and so I am not on the internet nearly as much - I can now be online if I want at home!
(note: for those of you who are unaware of my predicament, my home in T.O. has dial-up. we might as well grow our own wheat and mill our own bread!)

I feel very emotional right now - I think probably because I am tired - luckily, tomorrow I will be busy, fun-busy, and I will be happy and carefree. So to put me in a good mood before bed I have compiled a happy list.

Things that make me happy
1) laughter
2) water-cheers and mixed berry crepes
3) my parents and my friends
4) chai-eggnog
5) free wirelss
6) devin

song for a winter's night

The lamp is burning low upon my table top the snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room I hear your voice softly calling
If I could only have you near to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love on this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead my glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page the words of love you sent me
If I could know within my heart that you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love upon this winter night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim the shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my windowpane where webs of snow are drifting
If I could only have you near to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love and to be once again with with you
To be once again with with you

thoughts

1) buying christmas presents is super fun, but it's also a little bit stressful b/c you always want people to like what you bought them. Next year I am going to buy everyone designer coasters.

2) there are people, in life, who you can be mad at, or frustrated with, and it doesn't matter, because you both know that it doesn't change how you feel about each other. the obvious example of this is the parent-child relationship. and if you have this relationship with a friend, then it must be a really special friendship, because it's a really freeing feeling to be frustrated with someone and to know that it doesn't really matter because you love them and in a day or two you will have only the love, minus the frustration, and that the ability to argue and express all your feelings actually makes the friendship stronger.

3) Not that I was ever very good at pool, but I am officially quite bad again.

4) The loss of independence which accompanies being at home is killing me.

5) I do not understand people who never move out of their parents home. I understand moving out for school, then moving back to save money. I get saving money by going to school and living at home, and then moving out after graduation. I don't get being 25 and having NEVER lived anywhere else.

6) My new life plan: I am going to be a life coach! Seriously. And my sub-speciality will be self-esteem, but I will also be able to assist with career planning, household organization, and talk therapy. If anyone is interested, I am offering my services at a discounted rate while I work on establishing my practice.

Reason #148 why I have issues

Last night I went to the store because I was out of milk.
This morning, I woke up to discover the milk sitting happily on the kitchen counter.
Who forgets to put milk away??

things that make me happy

1) eggnog chai lattes
2) my nailpolish
3) degrassi: the next generation
4) having dinner with friends
5) getting emails that reference rob diamond
6) the lights on oak bay ave.

if you are the type of person who avoids discussions about religion and politics at parties, you might want to avoid this post

Lately I've had this desire to write a really serious post - which is usually what I try to avoid in blogging - plus when you write something serious you risk exposing more of yourself than you meant to, or provoking negative emotions in people by mistake. In any case, I was debating between writing on abortion, the conservative government, or my fears about the future - and I've decided to go with the first (and most potentially explosive) one.

The piece I came across on Elizabeth May on the internet quoted her as saying, among other things, (paraphrasing) "You would have to be out of your mind to want an abortion" - and this prompted a number of responses from people who were concerned with this opinion, and what appeared to be the contradiction between May's political pro-choice stance and a personal pro-life stance. Okay, but here's the thing - Elizabeth May is right. Who in their right mind would want an abortion? No one wakes up one day and says "my goal in the next six months is to have an abortion" or "by the time I am 30 I hope to have had three abortions". Anyone who characterizes pro-choice people as thinking abortion is an intrinsic good are crazy and such a characterization is completely unfair.

However, there are many circumstances, which if found in, a person would not be crazy to want to have an abortion. Someone who felt they were not ready, too young, emotionally unstable, whatever, and chose to have an abortion, would not be out of their mind. They would be making a rational and reasonable decision. There are probably some people who do not take the protection that they should when having sex, and who do not take the decision to have an abortion as seriously as I might like; however, I do believe that most women who have an abortion do not take the decision lightly, and I also believe that most women do not regret the decision. I believe that abortion is something which should be accessible to all women in their first trimester (an arbitrary length of time, I realize). And I also believe that society should take every step possible to ensure that abortion is extremely rare. This can include advocating safe sex practices, using multiple forms of protection, abstinance, providing funding for day care and educational programs and any and all methods of family planning. Someone once said "abortion should be legal, but rare" and I completely agree.

Now there will be people reading this who say "oh no, I can never imagine having an abortion, or how anyone would be able to. A baby is a gift (from God or nature) and is always a cause for joy" and if that is what you believe, then I agree - such a person could not ever imagine ever having an abortion and would probably (regardless of circumstances) never have an abortion. However, I would not want to live in a world where one person's belief about abortion would affect the ability of another person to have one. And so while I am unsure of May's motives in making her statements, I think abortion is a subject that people tend to see in black and white and that's a mistake. Like anything, there needs to be a space for dialogue and respect, and that it what I have tried to present here.

I don't think posting gets much more serious then this. Next time: a return to my regular posting topics of coffee and television.

Stephane Dion

Pros:
he has good policies
he is bilingual
he cares about the environment

Cons:
he will not inspire new left voters
he will not inspire new right voters
(so bascially - he will not inspire)
he is boring (also maybe a pro?)

I feel like with this election nothing has changed, and I am not excited at all about the liberal party or canadian politics in general. And I think now, Elizabeth May is probably my favourite national leader.

my personal order of Liberal leadship candidates
1) MHF, 2) BR, 3) GK, 4) SB and SD, 5) KD, 6) MI, 7) JV (who I detest)

different graphic, same message

so that's how it is, eh?

The Phone Rings:

Me: Hello.
Person: Hi, may I please speak to your mom or dad?
Me: Actually, I am an adult who lives on her own.

Seriously - It's bad enough that I look 17, but apparently I also sound as though I am 12. Geez!!

people are dumb.

I am at serious coffee and this man has spent the last five minutes plus explaining the plot of a movie to his coffee companion. The only words she has managed are "I don't need to see the movie now". Just a helpful hint: a description of a FICTIONAL set of events does not a conversation make.

Things I have been thinking about:

1) Leapfrog educational games for children. You know what is educatoinal? Reading to your children. Talking to your children. Playing with your children. Making-up stories with your children. Listening with your children. Do these things and you will drastically increase your chances of having happy, well-rounded, intellgent children. That is how your children will became well-adjusted, smart kids. Not sitting in the backseat of the car or in the livingroom while you wax nogalstic about how well they are being taught (parented?) by an army of mircochips!

2) Why is the weather mad at Victoria? Why did it snow. And then snow. and then rain. and then be very cold. why are my shoes wet and my toes cold and my super warm sweaters in toronto?

3) Eggnog chai lattes. I totally forgot you could get those. And I really want one.

4) Britney Spears. Why. Why. Why. On second thought, I don't think the answer would actually be very interesting.

The great storm of '07 '06

So yesterday when I posted I might have given the impression that I was pleased with the snow. Which, at the time (12:10pm), was true. Shortly thereafter I took a trip to Starbucks, and when I returned around 3pm, I returned to an aptartment with no power. Walking towards my house, I ran into my landlord, who informed me that only did I not have power (so no lights or heat), but that I shouldn't expect the power to return, and I should try to find myself other accomodation for the night. As I was entering my apt. my other landlord stopped me and suggested that I call my boyfriend, because I probably was not going to want to spend the night in my apartment.

By 5:00pm there was no power, it was starting to get cold, and the only light was courtesy of a half dozen tea candles, so I gave Devin a call and informed him of my plight, at which point he was kind enough to invite me over for the night. So I gathered up some clothes, schoolwork, three extra pairs of socks, and my salmon from the fridge, and began my trek.

I trudged through street after street of unplowed snow, but before I got more than several blocks I came across "do not cross" tape, and spent a moment trying to discern why it was there, and if I could ignore it, since I didn't really want to backtrack. Then I notice a few more words "do not cross, live wire" and peering into the darkness, I notice that yes indeed, there is a downed wire across the street. At which point I decide that it would be in my best interest to go the long way.

So I continue on my way, clumps of snow falling off trees as I walk, being careful to avoid ice patches and puddles, though I do fall victim to one patch of ice and two pretty good "soakers". I walk from my power-less neighbourhood, though a neighbourhood with power, then throughh another one without power, until I finally arrive at in Devin's neck of the woods. On the way, I see numerous power lines, sagging so much under the weight of the ice and the snow that I am surprised that the SUVs who are driving underneath and not making contact with them. I finally arrive at Devin's, take off my boots and socks, both of which are soaked, change into another pair of pants, and wring my first pair out into the bathtub. That's right - they were so wet they needed to be wrung out - and then put into the dryer.

Everything was going along well until around 7pm Devin's lights too went out - more tea candles were lit, until around 8:00pm when the lights came back on. So we watched the Simpsons and Studio Sixty, adn then turned in for the night. Around 7:00am Devin's alarm went off, and the t.v. and the internet were turned on to assess the situtation. All the schools in Victoria and many in the lower mainland were closed, including all the Vancouver universities, and following a quick check, the University of Victoria was also closed. Later that morning, I called my landlords, who told me my power was back, and that I could return home. On my walk home, I must admit, that the city looks beautiful all covered in snow, almost beautiful enough to make it all worth it.

And so today is a snow day in Victoria. Many, but not all, buisnesses are open, and people are advised not to drive unless it is necessary. Now as a non-native BCer, I will admit, there is a lot of snow. There is not so much snow that Toronto or Calgary would have shut down, but then again, Victoria probably does not possess the dozens of snowplows of other large Canadian citizens.

So now I am at home, nice and cozy, and I plan on staying here for the rest of the day.

SNOW!

I think that says it all.

Is it just me?

I try and I try and I try, but despite my best intentions, I cannot, for the life of me, properly fold a fitted sheet.

foibles of the english langugage

Right now I am at serious coffee.

I order, put my stuff down at a table at the front, and the go to the end of the bar to wait for my drink. After 3 or 4 minutes the girl looks at me and is like "sorry, I put your coffee up here (at the front till)" so I reply with, "oh, it's okay, it's my fault for not looking better".

Which, as far as I am concerned, a perfectly acceptable sentence, except that it really sounds like I am saying "it's my fault for not being better dressed" or something.

Anyways... that's all. Maybe I will post something actually interesting later.

Julie Andrews makes everything better

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

[Repeat all verses]

terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

After forcing myself to leave my house at 9:30 this morning so that I would go to school and get some work done, I spent 1 1/2 hours at school in the computer lab, doing nothing, and trying to figure out exactly why it was that I wanted to cry. So I decided that if I was going to do nothing and want to cry I might as well do it at home. And now I have Tostitos and I am watching Degrassi the Next Generation - so hopefully I will regroup and return to form this afternoon.

Part II: Things I hate feeling (in no particular order*):

sad
isolated
frustrated
not okay
not in control* (but if they were in a particular order, then this would be number 1)

gotta love those Bush appointments

"A Woman's Concern is persuaded that the crass commercialization and distribution of birth control is demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality, and adverse to human health and happiness."
-- policy statement of the pregnancy-counseling organization whose medical director was Dr. Erik Keroack, recently appointed to head the nation's family planning program (found at slate online magazine)

I have been unsuccessful at satisfactorily expressing my feelings at this quote, so I will leave it to everyone's imagination.

Hey Kids!

This message is for everyone who has Globe and Mail access - on page A5 (at least in the Toronto and Victoria editions - so probably all editions) there is a picture of a cathedral made out of tuna cans, with a sardine can floor, a baby food bell tower, and granola bar grass, as part of an annual competition in support of the Daily Bread Food Bank in Toronto.

The Cathedral, made out of approx. $8,000 worth of food, was the winner of the structural award this year. It was designed and built by my mom's engineering firm! How cool is that!! So everyone, check it out if you get a chance.



Check out some 2005 winners: http://www.canstruction.org/2005winners.html
my favourite is "more than just peanuts".

To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Chequing Account,

I know that over the years we have had our ups and downs, and I know that this must be a scary time for you, what with it being only half-way through the month and already most of you is gone. However, I just want you to know that I really needed to buy that OPI nail polish yesterday. Needed. I don't expect you to understand. So you'll just have to trust me. And besides, November is only 30days long, so I'm sure we'll be fine.

Your (sometimes) friend,
Liz

Life in Victoria or strikethrough

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat* (something which Devin will readily confirm) today I went to the tailor's, and apparently it will take until next Thursday (8 days!) before my stuff is ready. I think this is an insanely long time. I guess that's what happens when you move from the centre of the (Canadian) universe out to the colonies.

*if I could figure out how to use strikethrough I would use it here. Anyone know how to use strikethrough?

Okay - here are the instructions (thank you blog world). This is what you do: put <, the word strike, and > before the word, and <, /, the word strike, and > after the word.

Lists, Lists, Lists

A couple months ago, I was reading Cosmo (I know, I know) and they ran an article about a young woman who had died in September 11th and before she died, she had been working on a list on her computer titled "100 Things I Want to do Before I Die". Anyways, I thought this was a fabulous idea - and then the recent spat of lists on other blogs - has prompted to me to write the first (of perhaps several?) lists of things I have not done that I would like/hope someday to do.

1) Have a facial
2) See a James Bond movie
3) Go horseback riding (I did this once as a young child, but not since)
4) Complete a large scale creative work
5) Have my own dog (or I suppose share a dog with my partner)

My Comments on the "big list"

02. Swam with wild dolphins: would totally love to. I almost swam with captured dolphins, but something about swimming with captured dolphins seemed not-cool to me.
14. Seen the Northern Lights: okay, seriously people. I have never seen these. I feel suddenly inadequate since everyone else seems to have.
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa: I am pretty sure you can no longer do this. We tried to walk to the top of a leaning tower in Bologna, but it was closed, and by closed, I mean I don't think you could ever actually walk to the top. stupid guidebook.
42. Had amazing friends: yes, yes, and yes again.
51. Visited Ireland: Lived baby, lived.
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love: okay, I was not in love, nor was I heartbroken, but I definetly talked about it for longer than justified.
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them: no, but a stranger (an American woman, about 25) sat at my table with me and my mom and sister at a vegetarian restaurant in Paris for about 20 mintues, before deciding to leave because it was too expensive.
54. Visited Japan: maybe someday.
72. Gotten married: hopefully someday.
78. Won first prize in a costume contest: I won a prize for "best couple". That was pretty cool. Although the prize left much to be desired.
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation: no but it's a life goal. Seriously.
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour: I don't know about followed, but saw The Crofters in Kingston weekend, after weekend, after weekend.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication: but someday I will have to, stupid life plan, requiring that I filful this stupid requirement. I'm not such a fan of my life plan at the moment, in case you hadn't noticed.
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon: I would sort of like to do this, but what I really want to do is go to Tucson and visit S&S.

And for the record, I am blown away at the "have shaved my head people". I mean wow. That is super cool and also a little perplexing to me. And may I suggest, this Christmas, leave the kids at grammas, because y'all need to go out and order yourselves a martini.

Circle Craft Annual Christmas Craft Fair

I spent the past couple of days in Vancouver attending the Circle Craft Annual Christmas Craft Fair, the largest one of a kind craft fair in western Canada. I went with my friend Sarah and her mom, and it was super fun. The Thursday night we went out to a Malysian restaurant for dinner (it was good, not great. And now that I am eating red meat again, I had lamb, which was really good!). Friday it was crazy-raining so we drove down to Canada Place and we spent about 5 hours at the craft fair (we would have spent longer, but I had to catch a ferry back on the Sunday night). I ended up with Christmas presents for my mom, dad, sister and Alex, plus a couple of extras. All of the gifts are really random - well my sister's is sorta normal. But the other gifts are super random. I also got a shirt for myself, though alas, not the $100 hoodie of my dreams. So now, the only major gift I still need to get is for Devin, and so I just have to figure out where I can go to get a motorcycle helmet engraved.

Vancouver:
*Banana Leaf
*Blended Lychee Mojhitos (sp?)
*6 hours of travelling
*milk in a glass bottle
*crazy curvy houses (which I will buy when I an extra $350)
*glass insects made by the husband of the $100 hoodie woman
*amazing feeling of being surrounded by people who do what they love for a living, and hoping that someday I can be like them in my own way.

serious coffee dilemma

Tonight I was at my local serious coffee doing a bit of reading. I am sitting in one of four comfy leather chairs (there are two sets of two, plus lots of regular tables and chairs) and there is one girl in one of the other sets, and that's it. Just the two of us. Then a middle aged woman comes in, gets her drink, and asks to sit in the comfy chair next to me. I say okay. I personally would ask someone that if there was no where else to sit, but otherwise I would have sat at a normal table. But whatever. I spend the next twenty minutes listening to her drink, pick candies out of little plastic bag, chew the candies, and cough. In this time I get about three pages read due my extreme irritation, especially with the russling of the plastic bag and the audiable chewing. So I get up, and move to another table.

So I ask you - was what I did okay? I felt really bad, because I didn't want her to be offended, but I could not concentrate. What should I have said? Anything? Is there anything one can say? I tried to stick it out, but it didn't get less annoying, and once she switched from the newspaper to her book, I realized she was in for the long haul. So yeah, any thoughts?

Today I have:

1) Read 2 chapters of my book (this may not sound like a lot, but it is).
2) Done all my dishes
3) Done 5 loads of laundry (everything is clean!)
4) Went to starbucks for an eggnog latte
5) Tentively picked out this years Christmas cards
6) Sent 2 important emails I have been putting off
7) Talked to my mom on the phone. The second phone call was about gay celebrities, a topic on which she was suprisingly well versed
8) posted on my blog twice!

The Abyss and Freedom

Today is Sunday. The day of rest. Or the day of reading "Feminism and the Abyss of Freedom". Unfortunetly, I am spending the day doing the latter. And let me tell you, the Abyss of Freedom is about as pleasant to read as it sounds. Actually, the Abyss of Freedom is good thing, but it is not a particularly fun thing to read about.

However, I was supposed to read it last week, and I didn't start it until yesterday, so I don't have the option of giving up for the day. This week was a good week. I finished my final grant proposal (well, the second of two) and now I have a million-less-one things to worry about. Just now, to take a mini-break from the Abyss of Freedom I went to Starbucks and bought my first eggnog latte of the Christmas season!! Apparently a grande skim-milk/eggnog latte has 10 grams of fat and costs $4.72. This has prompted me to re-evaluate my plan of an eggnog latte a day for the next two months. Mainly because $150 is about half of my monthly food budget. Though it's still not enough for the shoes I want to buy :) Plus, I have to save for Devin's Christmas and birthday presents, so I can't go spending all my money on coffee.

me this very moment

I think I am sick. In fact, by this point, I am pretty postive I am sick. I haven't had a cold in a couple of years, and hopefully it won't ever get really bad and it will pass quickly. I bought orange juice in the hopes that that would help. But unfortunetly it does not appear that chocolate has medicinal properties where viruses are concerned.

And then - last week the girl at Starbucks told me that the Christmas drinks were coming out on Wednesday, but apparently they are coming out NEXT wednesday. Grrr.... !! All I want is an eggnog latte. Well - that's not all - but it would be a nice start :)

me and other people

Last nite I went out for halloween and I had a really fun time. I went dressed as a person from an ipod commercial (black pants, long sleeved, high necked black shirt and my ipod). I posed and did funny ipod dances, and everyone thought it was clever.

Something I noticed about myself last night, is that when I am at a party (or whatever), I perfer talking to people I don't know rather than people I do. I am more relaxed talking to people I will never see again, and I am far more witty and charming with people I never have to see again. I think because I feel less pressure to perform and I am less worried about other peole judging me. So maybe I should relax and start talking to people I will encounter more than once in my life.

Thinking Thoughts.

1) I really like waking up on my own, and not to the sound of an alarm clock.
2) Felicity (on tv) had the same bedding as me this morning. That made me feel special. For a minute. Then I felt sad that it made me feel special. Because so do thousands of other people who bought that bedding from Ikea.
3) High Heels: can you walk quickly in them? I definetly walk a little slower than normal when I wear heels (though I do tend to be a fast walker) - but I don't wear them everyday. Are people who wear them everyday able to walk at a normal speed?
4) I think little girls are cuter than little boys. On average, kids are equally cute until about 5, but then I think girls keep being cute, but boys... Although maybe having been a girl myself, I'm biased.

shopping

Today I bought:
1 Candle: $5
2 Daisy Magnets: ($1.30)
2 glasses: ($3.30)

Total: $11

Today what I wanted to buy:
1 Pair Timberland Boots: $200
1 Pair Brown Shoes: $190
1 Black Jacket: $150
1 Silver Necklace: $110
1 Jacob Black Skirt: $65

Total: $715

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, you need money.

this is crazy. I need to stop. but seriously, how does it always know?

You Are 23 Years Old

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

What Age Do You Act?

I like this one!

Your Kissing Purity Score: 37% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Celtic Horoscope

You Are An Apple Tree

You are quiet and shy at times, but you have lots of charm and appeal. You are quite attractive: your pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, and adventurous spirit draw people in. Sensitive and loyal in love, you want to love and be loved. You are a faithful and tender partner - who is generous in sharing your many talents. You love children, and you need an affectionate partner.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

on making new friends

When I lived in Kingston, I used to get out to see some live music every couple weeks at least, granted it wasn't ususally paraticularly cutting edge, we're talking Irish music and cover bands, but since moving to Victoria I think I've seen live music maybe three times? Luckily for me, things seem to be looking up, this Satuday I went with some people from my program (my new friends?) to see an all girl folk band called the Gruff at their c.d. release party and kick-off to their Canadian tour. They were pretty good, they had a couple songs that had more of a rock feel to them that I esp. liked. And I met a couple really interesting people (and of course any time I meet anyone interesting I immeidately feel super uninteresting and inarticulate, but I digress).

And tonight I called someone I know the opening of the conversation went as follows:
"Hi Anna, it's Liz calling, your friend from the bus"
"...oh hi! I'm so glad you called!"

And she geniunely was. So not only do I have a new friend, I have also been invited to 2 Halloween parties this Saturday. Two!! (This is a really big deal considering the number of people I knew in Victoria this time last year). Sadly, I'm not really a Halloween person, and I am not at all looking forward to dressing up, but I have a pretty simple, yet original costume in mind, and maybe I will be able to convince my boyfriend (who is amazing) to come with me.

Also, of late I have been extremely tired. And I am very much a sleep-person, so when I am tired, I mean I could be sleeping 12 hours a day. So today I did two things I should have two weeks ago - I took my iron and went to the gym. I am hoping a continued combination of those two things will ensure that my standard 9 hours a day will suffice.

on growing up

It is Saturday morning. I am reading the Globe and Mail online and watching Felicity and it just occured to me how much older I feel than I did when I started first year. It also just occured to me that that was five years ago. And I would like to think that 18 year old me would be reassured to see the 23 year old me. All the fear and insecurity that comes with being 18, alone for the first time, trying to navigate the complex world of friendships, relationships, partying, school etc. And not that I have since mastered all those things, but I no longer worry nearly so much. Though I think at some point I will miss the drama and excitment which comes from being young and always having the promise of the next adventure around the corner. I think that the key is to keep up the ideal of adventure as an adult (this becomes infinitely more complicated when you have children, I'm sure). In conclusion, even if I haven't done it perfectly, I think that maybe I like this growing up business.

early morning: reflections on waking up before 7am

1) I am blogging a lot lately.
2) The best thing about finishing my shower before 7am is that I get to watch the last 10 minutes of Dawson's while I have my breakfast. Oh Katie Holmes, you used to be normal.
3) Lloyd Eisner has been suspended from coaching for sending inappropriate emails to a student. Seriously, if you want to harass someone don't do it online, there will always be evidence!! Or try not to be completely inappropriate and abuse your position of power. Either way.
4) Reason #57 why I don't like the government of Stephen Harper: Kicking Garth Turner out of caucus? He is such a nice, funny little man, who I used to watch (okay see) on t.v. It's called technology, and Turner is using it how it was meant to be used, you should SUPPORT this, not condemn him. On the plus side, there are rumours that Turner will sit as a member of the Green Party - how cool would that be??!?!

Fields of Gold

This weeks Studio Sixty featured a live performance by Sting. I have no idea if it was the song, or the storyline, or the dialogue, or my horomones, but I was really affected by it. It stirred all these emotions within me, and yet made me feel so calm and safe. Which is why I have decided to post the lyrics.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold
So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley?
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

good thing/bad thing

bad thing: having a bad day
good thing: knowing that that means tomorrow will be better

bad thing: having a bad day
bad thing: knowing that the next day wil be exactly the same, and the same again after that, and not being able to figure out how to change things
good thing: faith that sometimes things just change themselves/that you change even if you're not exactly sure when or how

Things I like:

Gel Gems
Coronation Street
Tea
Martha Hall-Findlay
learning about other people's relationships
feeling smart
my lipgloss
cooking with my boyfriend
candles
being a woman
knowing final jepordy
The Globe and Mail
Feeling Special
Getting Mail
and so many more.

Another list b/c I am in the mood to post with nothing to say

A.B.O.U.T. Y.O.U.

could you live without the computer?: no, but I would like to think I could.
whats ur favorite fruit?: I'm going to go with blueberrys on this one.
what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?: emotional, though I don't think I've ever been in a great amount of physical pain.
trust others way too easily?: I trust people quickly, which is different than easily, and it's something I have always considered a good thing.

-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-

i want: to be happy. to make other people happy. to know what I want.
i wish: that the international community cared enough to do something about all the poor, uneducated, HIV positive people in the world.
i hate: people who are closedminded
i miss: not having a care in the world
i fear: watch Law&Order SVU, that's my fear.
i hear: STUDIO SIXTY ON THE SUNSET STRIP (which will has not been cancelled, despite lowish numbers, because the viewers are the ideal advertisers demographic)
i search: on google
i love: myself, my family, my friends, peopole who love me.
i ache: when I think about the elderly woman from the bus
i cry: when I am upset, and when i am being irrational, and when I chop onions
i do not always: to my schoolwork
i write: on my blog and not my thesis
i confuse: openess and closeness
daydreamer: absolutely
alcoholic: nope
freak: no more so than anyone else
brat: I plead the fifth
sarcastic: yah, but nothing compared to Devin.
goody-goody: yes.
friend: I try
shy: often
talkative: definetly
adventurous: not as much as I like, but more than I used to be
intelligent: on my good days

a delicious dessert: homemade pumpkin pie, ben&jerry's ice cream
a book you highly recommend: young men, stone butch blues
your favorite band: GBS
a film you could watch over and over: GoodWillHunting
a TV show you watch regularly: Grey's, Studio Sixty
you live in a(n): my apartment
your transportation: bc transit
under your bed or in your closet you hide: presents

Iraq

The medical journal The Lancet has published an article estimating the number of civilian deaths in Iraq since the war began is 650,000, or 2.5 per cent of the Iraqi population.

women and culture.

from Margaret Wente's column in today's Globe.

“I find the veil [my note: the column refres to the veil that covers the face, not simply a headscraf] offensive,” wrote Yasmin Alibahai-Brown, who said it is invariably connected to the most repressive forms of Islam. A woman in a niqab, she says, is just as much the victim of sexual objectification as a half-naked woman in a tube top. “The niqab expunges the female Muslim presence from the landscape and hands the world over to men.”

Okay - I agree. But how can I think society should allow one form of sexual objectification (a mini skirt and a tube top) and not think society should allow the niqab.

I don't think society should NOT allow the niqab, but I think that it should actively promote a competing beliefs system and encourage people to adopt a view of their culture/religion that does not include wearing a niqab. I also think that society should encourage all women to love and resepct their bodies, but does that mean actively promoting t-shirts and bermuda shorts?

Things going on in my head and the heads of those around me

1) Today I mailed a birthday gift to Ontario. It cost $11 to mail. Canada Post is not my friend.

2) I am a little bit stressed, and very busy, but I am happy. I am happy because the people in my life make me happy and I am because I make me happy.

3) One of the things I like about people is that no two are exactly alike. Even people you don't like, they are redeemed by the fact that they are an excellent version of themselves.

4) People who think blogging is a self-centred pastime are, or course, correct. People who think that blogging is a self-centred pastime and therefore is a bad thing are wrong. Everything we do is self-centred. Seriously. Other self-centred things include reading (who else does reading benefit, just you), watching t.v., going on holiday, etc. to the most fundamental things we all do.

Why do people have children? For the children? no, you don't know them, you do it for you*. Why do you believe in God, for Him, no, you believe in Him for you. Okay - I will grant there are a few people (Mother Teresa?) who help people to help them, and not for personal reward, but the average person? Some people might think this is overly cynical, but it's not; I don't think these are bad things, I think it is what it means to be human. To be selfish and flawed but to do the best job that you can at being that selfish and flawed person that you are.

*note: this is not to suggest that I think having children is always a choice, for many women, in many parts of the world, having children is not a choice. I am just saying that if you are choosing, you are choosing for you.

thanksgiving

Though today is offically thanksgiving, I had my thanksgiving celebrations yesterday, and they were lovely. Devin and I cooked a fabulous thanksgiving dinner, with lots of food, and I made a pie, which almost turned out. My plans for making pumpkin pie were thwarted by the fact that all the grocery stores near me were sold out of pumpkin by Saturday (go figure?) so I will pumpkin pie at some point in the future; in any case, I made a strawberry pie, including the crust, which was quite the achomplishment for me, seeing as it was my first pie.

There is this scene in sex and the city were miranda's new house keeper brings her a rolling pin and says in her Eastern European accent "so you can make pies. A woman should make pies." So this is me, taking up my womanly pie-making duties.

There was loads of left-over food, so tonight will be thanksgiving left-over dinner, which I am almost as excited about. Tomorrow I have to go have passport sized pictures of myself taken, and then go to school and start working like crazy for the next three days because I am behind schedule and most of this long-weekend was an academic write off. (This is not really a surprise, but still, I was hoping this weekend would signal a shift in a 20 year habit.)

Last thing - my fabulous friend stephanie is moving to America from Ireland. That's right. Now, she will only be 1 time zone and a 3 hour plane ride away, instead of 9 hour plane ride and 8 time zones :) And with any luck, by the time she arrives there will be a democractic House and Senate. I'm sure that would make her (and millions of Americans) much happier to be living in America.

at alex's request

NOW
Is your hair up?: yes
Is your phone right beside you?:yes, in fact I am talking on it.
Do you have a bf/ gf?: yes
Do you wish you were somewhere else? yes and no
Do you have plans for tonight?: yes. but they involve doing schoolwork.
Are you wearing makeup?: no
Are you wearing chapstick?: yes
Are you cold?: no
Are you tired?: no
Are you excited?: not really
Are you watching t.v.?: no
Are you wearing pajamas?: 1/2 pajamas
Who's the last person you IMed?: devin
Who's the last person that called alex

PAST
Anything you regret? of course
Ever lied?: yes
Ever stuck gum under a desk? no
Ever spit at someone? no
Ever kick something living? no
Ever had your nails done?: yes
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: no

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

LAST WEEKEND
Had any plans last weekend?: mainland plans
Who did you see most last weekend?: devin
Was last weekend interesting?: yes

TODAY
Have you yelled at someone? no
Have you gotten mad at someone? nope
Have you cried? no
Have you called more than 3 people?: I've called exactly 3
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: nope
Have you eaten anything gross? no

SPILL YOUR GUTS
Q. First thing you did this morning?: had a shower
Q. Last thing you ate?: serious coffee and vanilla latte
Q. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks? thanksgiving, finishing 1/2 my thesis
Q. What's annoying you right now? not being able to focus on school b/c it is saturday
Q. What's the last movie you saw? Charade (on t.v. the Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant version)
Q. Do you believe in long distance relationships?: no and yes
Q Where is the last place you went?: serious coffee and fairways
Q: Who is the last person you called?: alex
Q: Been cheated on?: no
Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? yes
Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): love
Q: Do you wish on stars?: yes
Q: Does it work?: i don't know.
Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them of: usually.
Q: When did you last cry? last weekend
Q: Do you like your handwriting? most of the time.
Q: Are you a friendly person? I think so. Though I can be shy at first.
Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world?? I don't think so....
Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
Q: What color shirt are you wearing? grey
Q: Do you have any pets? no. not yet.
Q: What is the color of your bedsheets? navy with a white duvet and pillowcases
Q: What were you doing at 9 last night? walking down foul bay
Q: last person you talked to : alex
Q: When is the last time you saw your dad? early July.
Q: Look to your left: random assortment of stuff
Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep? yes
Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder? I am going to say yes, though I can't think of a time.
Q: Song that makes you cry? I can't think of one.
Q: Are you normally a happy person? yes, I think so.
Q: Is your self-esteem low? no
Q: What color are your eyes? hazel
Q: Long or Short Hair : long-ish
Q: Current Music: no music. phone.

tragedy continued.

Imagine in five or ten or twenty years time being the boys who were allowed to leave the school. How could you ever forgive yourself? How at the age of 40 do you reconcile your life being spared when you were 10, when the life of your sister was not.

For that matter, imagine being one of the men whose life was spared at Ecole Polytechnique in 1988. They were not children, they chose to leave those women there to die. I am not saying they should have choosen to stay and die as well, or that they should have maytred themselves, leaving their own famillies to grieve. I am just saying, what an unbelievably difficult choice. And how different and yet the same the two situations are. How situations which are so obviously tragic are also so subtlely tragic. And I think, for me, it is almost more the subtle tragedies which are the most deeply affecting.

amish

In the past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about Wisconsin v. Yoder, the decision which excuses Amish children from education following 8th grade for cultural reasons. Since the tragedy in Pennslyvania earlier in the week, I have been thinking a lot about in Amish in a variety of different contexts. I don't know why, but this story has affected me more than many of the other far too frequent tragedies involving school shootings, domestic violence, child abuse and all those other things you wish were not a part of the world.

The one thing I keep thinking over and over again is that, thank god that man did not, was unable to, follow through with his intention to sexually assult or rape those young girls. The incrediable fear that that possiblity instill in me is something that I cannot even begin to articulate. Then, I feel so deeply (in equal measure) for members of the Amish community and members of his family. For his wife and his chidren, for the parents and brothers and sisters of those girls. I was watching a bit of Larry King tonight and apparently one of the first things the Amish did was to offer their forgiveness. I may disagree with Wisconsin v. Yoder, but how can I have anything but respect and awe from a community which is able to immediately offer forgiveness in the face of such a crime. (note: clearly there are issues with culture and autonomy and the role of individuals who do not want to offer forgiveness not having the choice, but that is not relevant to the broader tone and point of this point). On Larry King they also said that the family accepted the forgiveness. Which would also not be an easy thing to do. Apparently the family of the man was invited to the funerals of the girls, though it was insinuated that they probably would not attend. How could you? How could you go on. How could you explain that to your children? As a child and as a adult, how do you reconcile loving someone with the knowledge that they committed such a horrible crime? As with so many things of late, this situation, which should be unimaginable, becomes all too real, leaving behind questions which are not answerable.

bandwagon what now?

Today is Wednesday. This coming weekend will be Thanksgiving weekend. It will be my third Thanksgiving not at home, and I don't remember ever being upset before that I wasn't going to get to be with my family this weekend. But this year, I don't know, I am really disappointed that I won't get to see my family, parents, friends etc. this long weekend. Mainly my parents I think, because they were supposed to come visit me the following week, and now they are not. (something to do with buying a second property and being poor again).

And though I will still get to spend the holiday with one person I love, I wish that I could spend it with many people who I love. I always thought that my life would take me wherever I wanted to go - and I still do - but recently I have started to think that I would like to live in at least the same time zone as my parents. My current plan is to settle somewhere and then make my parents move to live near me; however, that probably isn't really fair. Anyways. the moral of my story is that I wish I was going to be able to spend thanksgiving at home.

friday night lights

I had a fabulous weekend (well night) in Vancouver. Taking the bus and the ferry and the bus for many many hours was not fun - but the Flames game was actually super fun. I think I like hockey more when I can see the whole ice (versus on t.v. when you can only see the current play) and our seats were excellent - they were super high up - but you could see really well. The only downside was that when we first got to the game, a person dressed up in a giant canuck-orca suit punched me. He punched me!! I think it was the Flames shirt.

Other things: I got a free room upgrade! My first ameretto sour in forever. remeniscing about the bushes at the airport bus stop. cold crepes in a freezing cold restaurant. listening to my ipod while almost falling asleep on the bus. seeing whales from the ferry! smoked salmon on a bagel. pumpkin flavoured gelato. meeting D. aunt and uncle.

song of the day: what I'm trying to say. the stars

dear abby

DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever written you, but I'd like your opinion about something. Do you think that good and moral qualities in a person are taught, instilled, or just come naturally to people? I'm talking about things like honesty, optimism, sincerity, tidiness, consideration, charity, fairness, etc. -- CURIOUS IN TEHACHAPI, CALIF.

DEAR CURIOUS: I believe the qualities you mentioned are taught, modeled by parents who set examples for their children to follow. And they are instilled when a child is very young.

The other day D and I were having a nature/nurture conversation - and I was more on the side of nature than he was. So this dear Abby brought me back to that. I think I believe that things like sincerity and honesty and charity are taught more than optimism or tidiness. trust me.... if tidiness could be taught my mother would be a much happier person where I am concerned.

I think that talents are definetly nurtured - but things like athletic or musical ability or intellectual or artistic ability come more naturally to some people than others. And that many people will just hit a ceiling in how far they can go due to natural ability. And that some people just need a little bit of nuturing/encouragement to maximize some talents, and some need a lot - and obviously the solution is not to say to a child "you are not good at art, but it's okay you are good at soccer" it is to encourage them in everything, though no amount of training or coaching could make some people good enough to make varsity soccer or get into OCAD (ontario college of art and design). Because some things are very difficult to teach - like vision (be it artistic or how to sense a teammate when they are behind you)

I also think if someone is an optimist or a pessimist and other such things are for the most part innate, though they can be nurtured, or you can give someone coping strategies to deal with being a pessimist but you can't teach them to be an optimist.

That being said - it is much easier to destroy a naturally innate sense of fairness through a bad upbringing than to teach a sense of fairness or compassion to someone who is extremely selfish. And just for the record, as far as me as a person goes, my parents could not have done a better job. Sure, I might have benefited from Kumon or violin lessons or being forced to stay in dance classes against my will, but those things pale in comparrison with sincerity, compassion, charity, kindness and all that other good stuff.

change

I've been thinking lately about change.

we spend years trying to figure out who we are, and what we believe, and what we stand for, and once we figure something out, we can just put it in a little box and keep it there. decided. peremanent. part of who we are. but then someone comes along and asks "why"? Why do you think that? what assumptions have you made that are causing you to think that. look at my assumptions - aren't they valid too? and then you have to work through everything again. looking at their arguments and your beliefs and deciding what to keep and what to throw away.

and this is not always an easy thing to do. it can be very unsettling when changing beliefs can affect how you define yourself. and on the one hand, sometimes I think that if I were really strong person I would stick to my thought out beliefs no questions asked. but I think the situation is more nuanced than that. I believe that by allowing myself to question my beliefs I can gain both compassion and wisdom. and I think admitting that you are not right makes you stronger, and not weaker.

today I got really upset about something really stupid and I kept going over it in my head, and then I said - wait an hour - see how you feel then. So I did lots of things and then came back to it. and realized that though I still thought what I thought and wanted a chance to work through my thoughts and feelings outloud - that the situation as a whole was not as important, not as life and death as I thought it was. I am in this great big hurry to grow up. to appear grown up on paper. but there are many ways of growing up - most of which are not quantifiable - and owning a home, having more degrees, being married, buying a dog - these can all be things that I want to do someday - but doing them today won't make me happier. I am happy. these "grown up" things will make my life different - but not better. and at some point change for the sake of change is pointless. I want to look to the future - to choices and decisions that will affect my life - and I want to have many many options. but not forcing my hand, just because, when I am already happy now.

8 things I thought today

1) If I can't read the globe in the morning, cosmo is not a bad alternative
2) mmmm.. London Fog
3) a gentleman will not only open doors, but also stare into the sun for you
4) playing with toys is fun for children of any age
5) I used to think I didn't mind doing dishes; I was wrong
6) I watched "my three wives" and I've got to say, I don't think I'd be a big fan of having more than two people in my marriage
7) Maggie Gylanhal is gorgeous
8) it may be fall, but summer is still here in victoria

public health

From Friday's Globe and Mail.

taken from an article by Andre Picard - divided into part 1 and part 2 by me as they are two parts of the same conversation - with part one being obviously tragic and part two being less obviously but also more intensely tragic.

Part I
Each year, more than 1.6-million people worldwide die in violent circumstances and many times more are wounded, according to the World Health Organization.

Of that total, an estimated 815,000 committed suicide, 520,000 were victims of homicide and 310,000 died in armed conflicts, including terrorist attacks.

In other words, for all the news headlines about war, murder, suicide bombings and bloody mayhem, the stark reality is that most violence is self-inflicted.

In Canada, the statistics show an even greater disparity -- six suicides for every homicide. Each year, in a country of 30 million, there are about 650 homicides and 3,700 suicides.

Part II

The homicide at Dawson College last week generated unprecedented levels of media coverage because it was unusual -- very public and involving several guns.

Two young people died tragically that day: An 18-year-old woman was savagely slain, and a 25-year-old man culminated a violent outburst by taking his own life.

All the sympathy, the tears and the concern have been for Ms. De Sousa. But, from a public-health perspective, just as much -- if not more -- attention should be paid to the suicide of Kimveer Gill.

There are fewer than two homicides a day in Canada but more than 10 suicides daily -- each of them a violent act, and each of them a failure of public health.

television part II

Do you know who else is brilliant? John Doyle.

Making the counter-argument [why television is good] against this attitude [why television is bad] tends to give me a headache, so I'll keep it brief here. You want to know why many, many Canadians are uneasy about our current fighting role in Afghanistan? Try watching the most popular Canadian-made TV series of the moment. That would be Corner Gas. Nothing happens on it. There's no fighting, no gung-ho stuff about heroes and guns and mayhem, and similar themes. A bunch of people in a tiny town swap low-key jokes and get excited about what's on the menu at the local diner. The cops are a bit incompetent and crime is non-existent. The harshest word heard is a coot hissing "jackass!" Canadian viewers love it. They lap it up. It's how we see ourselves, that's why.

for the record, I also love corner gas.

television

well folks, it's that time of year again.

the new television season.

my plans for this viewing season are Grey's Anatomy and Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip.

seeing as the former hasn't aired yet, let me say why I am planning on watching the latter.

two words: aaron sorkin.

for those of you who do not know who aaron sorkin is - he is a genius. He was the creator of Sports Night, which (for those of you who do not know), was a very funny, ABC, half-hour, laugh-track-less comedy show, which first brought the beautiful and talented Feclicity Huffman into homes across America. He is also the creator of the West Wing (brilliant!) and wrote the screenplay (and possibly the play-play) for a Few Good Men - which is, without a doubt, one of my favourite moives of all time. He has fabulous ideas, dialougue, employs brilliant actors and I will jump on any aaron sorkin television bandwagon until such time that I have reason to jump off.

secondary viewing: House, Smith, Ugly Betty (i'm hearing good things people), and of course the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Of course, for the most part I will be spending my life NOT watching t.v., but that is all the more reason to take time to chose wisely with what I will watch.

celebrity, cars, and coke: reflections on 21st century society. (okay - so it's a random list of stuff - but I was trying for a clever title)

1) I am glad that I did not grow up in a small town
2) I really like David Duchovny. I like him because he has been married to the same woman for a number of years, and because he takes on a wide variety of film and movie roles, and because he can make fun of himself, and because he is extremely good looking.
3) The next time I have breakfast, I really want to have bacon and eggs and toast and hash browns and sausage. Except I don't eat bacon or sausage, but eggs and toast and hashbrowns is all too much the same. I think maybe I want to start eating (red) meat again.
4) My boyfriend is an absolutely amazing chef. Even when he's just "preparing" food and not actually making anything - it is beyond fabulous.
5) I was watching "Rich Bride, Poor Bride" on t.v. and the wedding budget was $20,000 - except the bride bought the husband an SUV as a wedding gift, putting them $40,000 over budget. They had previously decided together to buy a house before a car - and it was mostly the husband's money, not the wife's that would be paying for this car. If my partner bought me a $40,000 gift that we had decided we couldn't afford - I would probably have to completly revaluate our relationship because that to me is not a partnership.

Quote of the day:

(as said by me, in context, during a conversation with one of my friends)

"well really, there is no right age to do cocaine."

with valuable insights like that, is it any wonder that I got into graduate school?

sarah's visit

1) taxis
2) psycopathic taxi man
3) irish times pub
4) gbs and Jeremy Fisher
5) hypodermic needles
6) seafood
7) bread
8) chocolate
9) Ferris
10) water taxi
11) shopping - the bay - the gap - metrotown - robson st.
12) ice cream
13) whales
14) hot springs - rainforest - boardwalk
15) sudbury - to NYC - to LA woman and her two children
16) $100 hoodie
17) dinner with s & j
18) matching roots bags
19) american television
20) st. regis

things I am now

1) cold
2) tired
3) happy

friendship

my friend who was visiting me left yesterday.

I miss her. I miss having someone to be with - sit around with - watch t.v. with. I love living by myself - but after having a roomate for two weeks I must admit to feeling a little lonely.

when I am sad I like to think about all the people who love me. my family. my friends. I don't tell my friends how important they are enough - or that I love them enough (not that I love all my friends, sometimes I feel that word is bandied about a bit too much... but i'm making a bigger point here). and I know that they know - but I still think that we should say it more. everyone should say things like that more. so people know. because everyone likes to know/be reminded of the fact that there are people out there who love them and value them and care about them. and it's hard being so far away from my friends. vancouver. toronto. hamilton. waterloo. london. belfast. ireland. tucson. boston. and all the friends I have lost touch with - who could be anywhere. I want to go to the starbucks on avenue road, or common ground, or empires (the one with the penguins) on botanic, or serious coffee in oak bay, or that place in chinatown that I love, or heck, even finnerty's and sit and talk and laugh over over-priced, elborately named coffee-type-beverages. I want to be with many different people in many different places - but I can't. I am here. and really - here is not so bad. here has a lot going for it. in fact, the only bad thing I have to say about here, is that here is not there.

random thoughts

Some days I think that I know myself so well - and other days I think that I haven't a clue. Some days I think that I am excellent example of a human being and other days I think I am horrible person. I am far too judgemental - even though I am much less judgemental than I used to be.

And it is complicated because the way we understand ourselves is through comparing ourselves with others (not like "A is more judegmental than me") but just because how else do we understand ourselves except through our knowledge of others and how we relate and interact with others. There is no self without the other (Hegelian line of thinking). And so everyday I strive to better understand myself and to be a better person - and I am learning (at least I think I am) - and sometimes, someone else will be nice enough, or perceptive enough, to point something out to me that helps me to grow and to learn to become a better version of myself.

we all need a dream

my dream job would be to be just like Reverend Camdon on 7th Heaven and to go around solving the problems of everyone in my town. I am completely serious.

little miss sunshine

On Friday evening we went out for sushi and to see little miss sunshine - both of which were excellent. the sushi was fabulous and is reason alone to live on the west coast and the movie was really good and very fun. yesterday was excellent - and involved lying on the beach, coming home and accidently lying on my bed and getting sand in my clean sheets, cooking, ice cream, and flightplan. this week will involve schoolwork, getting a new desk, maybe more cooking, and preparing for sarah's arrival.

often during the week I will hear or see something funny which I think "that would make a great blog entry" and then I never get around to writing about it or I forget and then I am disappointed. At the same time - it's not like I post so infrequently that I should really be making an effort to do it more often.

Final thought - Seth won Kept and is now offically jerry hall's kept man. Had I been in Jerry's shoes I would have made the same choice.

violet

I think that if I could look like anyone (besides me) I would want to look like the girl who plays Violet on Coronation Street. I realize that no one who reads this probably knows who that is - but I think that she is super pretty.

antique cars

today was the annual blethering room tea house antique car show in oak bay. I came home from school early in order to make sure I got to go - and it was super cool. Now I know nothing about antique cars, but not a lot happens in Oak Bay so I wanted to make a special effort to check it out. I saw Model Ts and Model As and a car from 1911 and everything was original except for the clutch. Lots of old cadillacs, jags, three or four sunbeam tigers (my uncle used to have one which is the only reason I know what it is). But what most impressed me was the shear number of people who came out for it - it was crazy seeing thousands of people in Oak Bay village on what otherwise would have been a sleepy sunday afternoon.

little miss popularity

today when i got home I had three messages on my answering machine. THREE!! and only one was from my mother.

on cooking

Anyone who knows me, knows that there are many things which I cannot do, many of which I would like to be able to do.

The number one thing that I would like to do, is that I would like to be able to sing well; however, I have resigned myself to the fact that this will probably never happen.

So, the time has come to focus on thing number two: being able to cook. Note, I did not write "being able to cook well", at this point in time, I would be happy with simply being able to cook. So for the past four days I have begun to cook. I own one cook book (courtesy of alexandra) which contains these things, which I believe are called "recipes" which are very helpful when trying to cook. In the past four days I have poached fish, made a curry, and rice pilaf. Now I am still not exactly what "pilaf" means - but it sure sounds fancy. I think that part of the reason for this new interest is that I am going to need to eat for the rest of my life eating, and until I become independently wealthy, I will have to cook the majority of the food that I eat myself. And I think that the other reason is that having a partner who is an excellent (professional) chef, has sort of shamed me into learning some basic culinary skills.

Also.
1 week until D reutrns to Vic.
2 weeks until Sarah arrives in Vic.
8 months until I defend

shopgirl

Earlier this week I rented the movie shopgirl, starring steve martin, claire danes and jason swartzman. I really liked it (a lot!) - and I preferred it to Lost in Translation, which seems to me to be similar in many respects.

In any case, part of the plot has Claire Danes pursued by the two male leads, and for a large part of the film she is involved in an intimate relationship with the Steve Martin character. After watching this movie, I decided that I really don't think I could be intimately invovled with someone in the their fifties (I already knew this before watching the movie, but watching the movie made me think about it some more). Even if they were very wealthy (clearly not a reason to become involved with someone, but again I digress), I think that I would just feel too far apart from them (generationaly, emotionaly etc.).

I think that I could be comfortably involved with someone who was, at the most, 9 years older than me at this point in my life. I don't know why - but that is the arbitary number that makes sense in my head. Of course, my ideal partner would be approximately 1 year, 5 months and 9 days older than me. That strikes me as just about perfect.

life and choices

Where will I be in six years?

I don't know. And even if I suspect what might or might not be, I am going to try not to get ahead of myself and instead let my life unfold - and make choices when I need to make to choices - knowing that they will sometimes be right and sometimes be wrong and can always be revisited.

calgary-17+1

I have now officially visited my fifth Canadian province - Alberta! Land of Alberta beef, the Flames, that other team, Banff, the Badlands, and lots of other cool stuff.

1) mcnally's bookstore and amy's mom's books
2) learning the difference between "streets" and "avenues"
3) public transit aka the c-train
4) cherry pie, blueberry pie, and cheese curds
5) watching street legal and poker
6) stripey drumheller rocks
7) spinning rings which make me sad because they aren't really moving
8) small children everywhere
9) being super happily surprised by the zoo
10) amy amy amy
11) kensington
12) a surprise trip to crave
13) phantom, phantom, phantom
14) finding out kirsten's kids really are as cute as everyone thinks
15) dim sum
16) boston
17) food-poo shirt under black light
18) dmt (^3)

daydream believer

Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings
Of the bluebird as she sings.
The six o'clock alarm would never ring.
But it rings and I rise,
Wipe the sleep out of my eyes.
My shavin' razor's cold and it stings.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.

You once thought of me
As a white knight on a steed.
Now you know how happy I can be.
Oh, and our good times start and end
Without dollar one to spend.
But how much, baby, do we really need.

on happiness

today I learned what is responsible for our happiness.

50% is our set line (i.e. what you are born with), 10% is life circumstances (wealth, where you live, job, etc.) and 40% is up to you. So it's in your control if you choose how happy you choose to be with that 40%. Now I don't really know how encouraging I find this. I mean - wouldn't it suck if you were born with a low "set line" because there is nothing you could do. So if you had a high set line you have the potential to be 100% happy. But if you are born with a lower set line, all you would ever be able to achieve was 70% happiness. And what if you love someone, a partner, friend, child who has a low set point. Imagine loving someone who doesn't have the potential to be as happy as you. That seems a little bit depressing to me. Now - who knows how accurate this is, or how people can know something like that (source montioring note: W5) - but I think that there is some truth to it. How often have you heard someone refer to a person, or a child, who is just a happy person, child etc. There are people who are justs predisposed to happiness.

And there are people who go to Jacob and find out that everything in the store is 30% this week and who use that to maximize that other 40%.

things that bother me

1) that it is 30 degrees in Victoria. If I wanted weather that hot I wouldn't have left Toronto.
2) that is is going to be 30 degrees next week when I am in Calgary.
3) that I am going to have to be friendly and charming next week when I am Calgary and leave a good impression on people in 30 degree heat.
4) that I am going to have to do schoolwork when I am in Calgary.
5) that I my Birkenstocks refuse to be broken in.
6) that everytime I go outside in sandals my feet somehow end up getting dirty
7) that ice cream is not dinner.
7.5) which wouldn't be such a problem if ice cream was good for you in the nutritional way
8) that last week I bought the most amazing apple, cinamon, raisin bread - but that the bakery is not going to make it again until fall because it isn't selling well in the heat.

google

i just successfully googled my blog!

(also - when I googled my blog KM's also came up as linking to mine).

(also - who goes to hoppin' eddies? seriously. i always wondered).

Lebanon and human responsbility more generally

I've been thinking a lot about the middle east of late - what with everything that has happened and I have some thoughts on Canada's response.

1) Mr. Harper is wrong, and so far Isreal's response has not "measured". As a Canadian I have more sympathy for Isreal than many other people (Europeans) but c'mon... measured?! Apparently his rhetoric shifted yesterday which I think was a political inevitability.

2) The Canadian governnment is doing a shockingly bad job of evacuating Canadian citizens from Lebanon. Thousands of people showing up to board a ship that could only a few hundred? fistfights breaking out? I obviously have no idea what is involved logistically with evacuating thousands of Canadians, but that is why I alone am not the government of Canada. As someone who think Beruit would be an awesome place to visit I can only imagine myself being there and my absolute sense of entitlement for my government to help me leave in the event of a war.

As well, I think this is an important/interesting example for all of us who imagine that we as a species or as individuals are reasonable or rational or have this amazing ability to always do the right thing. We cannot even maintain our civility trying to escape what is only a moderately unstable situation. This is not directly related, but I always wonder what I would have done had I been 15 or 20 or 25 (etc) able bodied person in Nazi Germany. In some of my reading on just war theory it is obvious that those who do nothing are still morally culpable, and honestly, I don't believe that I would be either a hero or a sympathizer, just a regular person who is still morally culapable. There is this phenomeon of children born to French woman by German soilders during the war who are forgotten/shunned because they do not fit with how France chooses to remember themselves in the second world war. Would I have been in the resitance? would I have been in the bed of a German soilder?

I think the thing with these questions is that you can never really know until you are in that situation - and I think the other thing is that tell yourself there will never be any more situations like that. But it's not true. Look at soilders in Vietnam, Somalia, Iraq. Our standards of humanity are not nearly what I like to imagine they are before I go to sleep at night. Every night I fall asleep thinking that I am fundamentally a good person, content in the knowledge that I am only passively culpalable and not actively culpable in the horrors of the 21st century. Right now, an entire subcontinent is dying of a communicable disease which is slowly making its way into India, Russia, and SEAsia. It's a genocide of indifference that we are all implacated in. As we push and scream and claw our way onto boats to return to Canada to escape the harsh realities of most of the world.

on blogging.

my mother knows that I have a blog - and this fact makes her very uncomfortable - the idea that strangers "anyone!" can read things about me. She constantly asks if I post "personal" things about myself, and though all my thoughts are personal, rarely to I post personal, real-life stories.

In the past week, the authors of three seperate blogs which I frequent (one written by someone I know but don't really talk to anymore and two by people I have never met) have experienced signifcant trauma. One had a miscarriage, one suffered a sexual assult (or possibly a rape), and one a betrayl and the end of a hugely significant relationship (or at least this is what I have gathered from the three, keeping in mind the indirect nature of blogging)

It's the strangest feeling to want to reach out and hug somebody you don't even know, or haven't seen in forever, and yet really it's just a manifestation of the human condition. Especially with regard to the three things which I mentioned, which I would not wish on any woman.

through blogging and the internet we are offered a small window into the lives of those we know and those we don't - and often times we see more, or at least differently, than we would through more traditional windows. I wish everyone I knew kept a blog (and not just so I would have more ways to kill time) but because they provide these unique snapshots of both individual personalities and general humanity. Through both the observation of everyday life, and perhaps more so, through the experience of the moments that will shape a life as they unfold in real time.

good things in my life (bad things omitted)

Good Things.

1) Canadian Idol
2) making my very own red wine risotto
3) my fabulous new sheets
4) the fact that my apartment is cleaner than it has been in months (with the exception of all of d's stuff)
5) that I am having dinner with sarah tomorrow night
6) that other sarah is coming to visit in a 6 weeks
7) that when I ran into M today he was genuinely happy to see me
8) that I refered to my landlords as Mitch and Gail (which are not their names, but which are the names of Dawson Leery's parents who apparently I am confusing with real people)

a letter to the editor (or blurring the boundaries of information mediums)

from The Independent, 8th July 2006, obviously used without permission.

A brief Guide to Foreign Policy

Sir: Just so everyone is clear: it is "bad" for North Korea to fire missiles into the open sea, even though it is "really-not-that-bad" for Israel to fire missiles into power stations, bridges, and apartment blocks.

Meanwhile: Iran, which had opposed Saddam (who was once "relatively good" but is now "very bad"), is still just "bad".
Saudi Arabia, a feudal totalitarian state with legalised sexual apartheid ("bad"?) is nonetheless "good", but don't ask any awkward questions.

The United Sates may now kidnap and torture innocent civilians (this was previously "bad", but is now "okay, if outsourced"). Similarly, some of our allies may, from time to time, need to boil people alive (literally, in the case of President Karimov), and
whilst not "good" it would be a crass liberal simplification to call this "bad".

DR CHRIS SCANLAN
OXFORD

the radio

Oh the radio.

I love the radio. I get the impression that today most people reserve the radio for driving as opposed to sitting at home and just listening - since at home we have our c.d.s and mp3s etc. but i don't know... I love the surprise and unexpectedness of the radio - I love the variety and the stupid banter and traffic reports - there is something about the radio which gives one a sense of community in a way that other mediums - such as television, c.d.s and movies do not. Except I guess for Jack FM which is the Walmart of radio (though I dont feel the need to avoid it the same way I feel the need to avoid walmart). I love listening to music from the 80s, 90s, and today. I love listening to the CBC (both the talk programs and the music programs) and downloading programs from the BBC - connecting me not to my community but to other communities that could be mine. I listened to almost no radio last year - a pattern which i will not be so foolish as to repeat this year. I haven't settled on a favourite victoria station yet - not that I will need to - I have no problem switching between stations - but I am sure that I will eventually find a station which I am more attached to than most. It won't be "102.1 the edge" or "K-Rock" or BBC Radio 4, but it will be mine and I will become more a part of Victoria for it.

Victoria

My first full day back in Victoria.

I am unpacked and I have the internet up andd running.

My new computer is beautiful, though it is taking a bit of time to adjust to typing on a different keyboard, and it doesn't help that my nails are a little bit longer than I am used to (and let me just say that they look beautiful as my french manicure from five days ago is still mainly intact).

Now that I am back in Victoria I will be blogging far more often (not having dial-up and living alone will do that to a person).

To celebrate being back in Victoria I went to the Beach and to Victoria's folkfest and tomorrow I am going to the beach again and buy a cinamon bun and a London Fog (though I will probably go to Starbucks and not Serious Coffee because my dad gave me a starbucks gift card that someone gave him and I am spending lots of money on food this week (because I have no food at home and I have to start all over again). Okay. Those are all my thoughts for now. As I think about this post it occurs to me that less posting might actually be better in terms of quality and not quantity but oh well. I can amuse myself and no one else has to read them.

posting, just for the sake of.

I am not fond of posting for the sake of posting - probably because when I am at school I post constantly so it is never an issue - however - I feel as though my blog is sad and feeling neglected by me, so I thought I would post in the knowledge that I have no point, unlike usual, where I have a point which gets lost somewhere along the way.

Let's talk about people. There are some people who you expect a lot from and who meet those expectations and some people who you do not expect a lot from and who exceed those expectations. However, this isn't really fair to the people who you had high expectations of to begin with - because really usually you will just be let down with anything short of perfection. Which I try to keep in mind, especially when I think of all the times I could have been more "there" for someone, or at some time etc. But then again, in the prodigal son story I always felt sorta bad for the good son.

Last night my family went out for fabulous Indian food for dinner - however - we missed the top nine women on Canadian Idol. However - in the end, I think it was worth it :)

Quote of the day

(as seen on a greeting card in a speciality paper and card shop).

Everything will be okay in the end.

If it is not okay, then it is not the end.

-Anonymous

wedding presents

Today I was sitting at the breakfast table with my sister (and by breakfest I mean kitchen table at breakfast time) and realized that she has become really really pretty. I think she is one of those people who really just grew into themselves, and it made me really happy.

My second thought is about weddings - specifically wedding gifts - and what is the appropriate amount of money to spend on a wedding gift (this is especially pertinent at the moment as I have to give a wedding gift to people who I know would perfer money to an actual gift). I was thinking $200 but everyone I have talked to (which is 3 people) think that is ridiculous and suggested more like $50-$100 (this is not a really good long-term friend). However, theorectically I would spend $40 on a birthday gift for this person so shouldn't a wedding gift cost more? Or have TV and movies set in Manhattan given me a false impression of the appropriate value of such a gift?

My plan is to have an engagement party, bridal shower, and wedding and register for all three (okay - not actually - but I know someone who did that - think of the gifts!)

countdown

1 week and two days 'til my birthday
2 weeks and two days until I go home
5 weeks 'til Calgary
8 weeks (approx) 'til Sarah's visit
X number of days/weeks/months/years until I meet Julie

(speechless)

I don't mind standing sometime
Just hanging here with you
Cause I don't find too many guys
That treat me like you do
Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride
But when I walk they talk of suicide
Some people never get beyond their stupid pride
But you can see the real me inside
And I'm satisfied oh no oh

Even though the guys are crazy
Even though the stars are blindIf you show me real love baby
I'll show you mineI can make you nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul in body
Let's see what this love can do

Baby I'm perfect for you
I could be your confidant
Just one of your girlfriends
But I know that's not what you want
If tommorow the world ends
Why shouldn't we be with the one we really love
Not someone who have you been dreaming of
Why am I alone oh no

Even though the guys are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine
I can make you nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul in body
Let's see what this love can do
Baby I'm perfect for you

the meaning of....

Happiness.

My father always tells me that I was a very happy child.
And I like to think of myself as being a fairly happy person.
And I always try to find happiness in everyday things.
And I think it helps that I always look for, and usually find, the best in people.
But you can't always be happy because then you would never be happy. So you have to take the not happy moments and hope that someday down the road the happy moments will be all the more sweet because of the unhappy moments. (Although as I reflect on my life I don't actually know if that holds true, but it seems to work in theory so what do I know?)
In any case, that still doesn't stop me from always wanting to be happy.

The people we know who we saw or talked to yesterday (where we is the royal we)

I am so blessed by the people who I have in my life. I feel that everyone is probably blessed by the people that they have in their lives - but I am not everyone - I am me - so I am limited to who I am blessed by.

Yesterday I had dinner with one of my fabulous friends. One of the things I like about my friends is that they are all really unique people (all people are unique so this is somewhat redundant - but whatever). (Also - we had Ethopian food which is a first for me). If you had said "which of your friends is most likely to spend the summer working with children and lions and tigers" it would be her.

Also yesterday I talked to my delightful boyfriend, who I miss a lot.

And then I talked to Amy (for well over 2 hours) who is fabulous and who I miss so much. Talking to her just made me really want to see her - and of course all of her nostaligia was not helping with my nostaligia. I think if I could make anyone leader of the world it would be Kofi Annan or Stephen Lewis - but if I could make anyone I know personally leader of the world it would be Amy (though I wouldn't because I think the pressure of such a position would cause her to go insane, as it would any sane person). The point that I am making is that she is fabulous and that I get to see both her and him when I visit Calgary.

I feel rather rambling and incoherent at the moment... but hey... those moments come frequently enough I should be used to them by now.

20 things from NYC 2006

1) 13 hours on a train
2) The subway
3) Degas
4) American Girl Store
5) A restaurant with a moat
6) Richard sharing his duck with Amanda
7) Rasberry Mojhitos (my spelling has failed me yet again)
8) Hopper
9) Mr. Frick
10) Alice in Wonderland statue with many small children
11) Mel
12) Bleeker Street
13) Brooklyn Bridge
14) Law & Order Court House
15) $5 pashmina and $3 t-shirt
16) cheesecake and pretzles
17) Chika
18) Puetrican Day Parade
19) New Pedagogy of Art
20) Scott from the Train

past couple of days or why the world is a wonderful place

1) tree tops in the sunlight
2) swinging on a swing
3) running into D with an O.
4) buying (and eating) candy
5) under the sun (which was surpringly ghetto)
6) planning a trip
7) Amy calling (even if I didn't get to talk to her)

On standing in line at Yorkdale.

Okay.

This is my latest brilliant thought (I know... there are so many it can be hard to keep track on them all... but try to keep up).

The other day I was standing in line at Sephora when I noticed a quite stylish young lady (18 or 19) in line behind me. After spending 3-4 seconds wishing that I was stylish something occured to me. Looking back on the past 20-some years of my life - there is not a single moment that when I reflect back I think "gosh, if only I had been more stylishly dressed that moment in my life would have been better"

It was not have made the amazing moments more amazing or the depressing moments less depressing. There are moments when I looked amazing and was horribly sad, and moments where I looked boring or dowdy where I was as happy as could be.

The moral of this story I feel to be fairly self-evident, and it's not really new or orginal - but I still felt it worth recounting because of how suprising yet obvious I found this revelation to be.

what would emily post say?

A question of etiquette.

Today I went to Second Cup/Great Canadian Bagel to have a bagel and a coffee-beverage for lunch and to read my book. When I was ready to leave I decided to use the ladies room before my 25minute walk home.

The ladies room is two stalls and two sinks (pretty standard) and right as I went in, another lady followed behind me. While we were in there her cell phone rang. She answered it and began taking what seemed to be a buisness call.

Which was fine - however - I was at a loss of what to do with regards to flushing the toilet. A flushing toilet is a pretty distinctive (and not a quiet) sound which the lady on the phone probably wouldn't appreciate.

However - under no circumstances should one leave a public toilet unflushed... and I waited like 20seconds to see if she was going to ask to call the person back - but that was not the case. And I didn't really want to wait akwardly in the stall for however long the conversation took.

So I did the only thing I could - I flushed the toilet. As I was washing my hands I heard her akwardly laugh and tell the person she was on the phone with that she was in large public washroom. And though I felt a little bad for her brief moment of akwardness and potential embarassment - if you are going to take a phone call in a public washroom when you know someone else is there - what do you expect?

In conclusion - I feel confindent that under the circumstances my actions were not rude.

I also have some concerns about the pervasivness of technology in our everyday lives and its invasion into previously personal time and space... but that is the subject for another day.

Monkeys and Mexico!

Okay.

so as some of you probably know I spent the week before last in the Mayan Riveria (Playa del Carmen) which is like 45minutes South of Cancun. It was gorgeous - and also quality family time (my sister wasn't so impressed as family time for us involves everyone else waking up at 8:00am and my mother trying to convince her to join the family - which apparently wasn't her idea of an ideal wake-up time for a relaxing beach vacation).

In any case - the hightlight of the trip was definetly the monkeys. We had close encounters of the monkey kind with both spider and howler monkeys. The former courtesy of two gentleman in the town who had two trained (?) spider monkeys and they sit on your shoulders/head/hand while you take pictures with them (for a small fee of course). This was super cool - even when the monkeys would get bored of being on your shoulder and try to climb onto your head - which can be a little bit disconcerting. Although it wasn't so bad - the couple who had their pictures taken with the monkeys after me and my sister experienced the extra fun of the one monkey taking off the guys glasses and with the coursosity of a small child seeing how far around he could twist the two sides away from each other.

The second type - the howler monkeys - lived in the resort (around the resort) and we got to see them in trees and on rooftops a couple times. There are signs everywhere saying "don't feed monkeys" but some people took the iniative to completely disregard the sign and throw the monkeys food (not good people... not good). Anyways - they were really cool - more so because they were wild - and they howled!!

So yes. That is my trip to Mexico in monkeys.

leaving.

My taxi is coming in 25minutes or so.

And I am suddenly super-sad to be leaving. It is so gorgeous here. The weather is perfect. I could go sit on the beach everyday for the next two months. But no. I am going to a major urban centre - with its sketchy air quality and lack of serious coffee. Seriously - the girl who I love at Serious Coffee made a "going away present" latte this morning. And I'm leaving all this?

Though I am greatly looking forward to holidays and visitors over the next two months.

Also - this morning - for maybe the first time ever - I got dressed up for my flight. And in this case I am defining "dressed-up" as a sweater over my jeans and t-shirt instead of a sweatshirt.

Okay - I should proably be getting ready to leave. Though I am ready. Except that I did not clean the floors. And they are not looking so clean. Oh well. Before I know it I will be back - and the floors will still be dirty - and I can clean them then.

House Quote

courtesy of John Doyle's column. Potential new life philosophy.

"Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."

perspective

Two days left in Vic.

This morning I went to serious coffee and the bread store (aka bakery).

I also talked to one of my friends on the phone.

We had an excellent conversation. It's fabulous when you are talking to someone and they are able to articulate what you are thinking and what they are thinking and just completely get it. In one of those - hey - someone else is going through what I am going through. Someone who I think is amazing and a person whose life of which I am occasionaly super-envious of, and who is freaking out about many of the same things that I am. Which makes me feel a) less irrational and b) helps give me perspective.

Maybe I will take comfort in the fact that I am living simaltanously in multiple parallel dimensions and so other mes will live alternate lives. Maybe that will take some pressure off and I can stop worrying that I am making thousands of wrong choices and just accept the fact that I will make thousands of wrong choices and go from there.

thoughts from today

today I finally submitted my paperwork for my grant - which means soon I will have money. Which is good b/c I have to pay a ridiculous amount of tution to sit in a room alone and write a thesis.

I have no orange juice. This makes me sad. Today I ordered three books online. This makes me happy. My kitchen is a mess. This makes me sad. But not suprised. I have started thinking a lot about my life lately. And what I want right now. But right now I am still too busy to think. But do I really need to think? Would it really be so bad to just keep letting stuff happen? Taking it day by day - not worrying so much about what the future holds.

There are some days when I think that I am super old and have to figure out exactly what to do with my life - have a five, ten and twenty year plan - be planning my career, marriage, first morgage etc. Other days I want to graduate then travel the world, or become a teacher (other people dream of acting on broadway - I dream of being a teacher), or adopt a baby girl, or work on a development project in Africa or Latin America. What I really want are answers - even though I get that such ansewrs are not to be found externally. But if anyone has any anwsers I'd love to know!