change

I've been thinking lately about change.

we spend years trying to figure out who we are, and what we believe, and what we stand for, and once we figure something out, we can just put it in a little box and keep it there. decided. peremanent. part of who we are. but then someone comes along and asks "why"? Why do you think that? what assumptions have you made that are causing you to think that. look at my assumptions - aren't they valid too? and then you have to work through everything again. looking at their arguments and your beliefs and deciding what to keep and what to throw away.

and this is not always an easy thing to do. it can be very unsettling when changing beliefs can affect how you define yourself. and on the one hand, sometimes I think that if I were really strong person I would stick to my thought out beliefs no questions asked. but I think the situation is more nuanced than that. I believe that by allowing myself to question my beliefs I can gain both compassion and wisdom. and I think admitting that you are not right makes you stronger, and not weaker.

today I got really upset about something really stupid and I kept going over it in my head, and then I said - wait an hour - see how you feel then. So I did lots of things and then came back to it. and realized that though I still thought what I thought and wanted a chance to work through my thoughts and feelings outloud - that the situation as a whole was not as important, not as life and death as I thought it was. I am in this great big hurry to grow up. to appear grown up on paper. but there are many ways of growing up - most of which are not quantifiable - and owning a home, having more degrees, being married, buying a dog - these can all be things that I want to do someday - but doing them today won't make me happier. I am happy. these "grown up" things will make my life different - but not better. and at some point change for the sake of change is pointless. I want to look to the future - to choices and decisions that will affect my life - and I want to have many many options. but not forcing my hand, just because, when I am already happy now.