d.s. and FTM

okay. so school is done. pretty much. which is good. well just done for now. it will start again soon. it never really goes away.

last night i went to safari with d.s. and j.l and a.h. it was fine. nothing too exciting. seriously - i think that d.s. and i should only ever talk on the phone. i think that that's it what is required to make our relationship (which i enjoy) work. b/c otherwise i don't enjoy it. anyways....

today his parents are having a christmas party which i am invited to. apparently L. is going to I will try to call him and hopefully hang out with him tonite... we'll see.

if i had a childhood friend who turned out to be gay - i would be totally okay with that. i can't imagine not be. but what if i had a childhood friend who decided to change gender. if little jane became big john. or something like that. i mean - obviously i would like to think that i would be totally okay with that - but do you ever really know? i guess it also depends on who the person is. because you would have had to be close enough that you're not just like "random, cool!). if you heard a childhood friend was getting married, you would be happy for them. well this is at least as significant a life change, but i don't think most people would have that immidiate "happy" reaction. it would be more reserved. even uncertain. do people have "so i'm a man now!" parties? do you give gifts of powertools and boxer shorts? does hallmark make a card for this sort of thing?

the simple life

why can't life be simple.

i think that i would like to be a peanuts character (charlie brown comics) or a dawson's creek character. here is my reasoning. i like drama. i like having deep philosphical converstaions about life while making intense decisions and feeling as though i'm living in some sort of existential soap oprea. however - now stuff kinda matters. it matters in a way it doesn't when you are 8 or 15. so then i was thinking. when does it start mattering less again. i mean - life can't get more important (as it were) the older it gets. i mean - at some point can't we start making bad, angst-ridden decisions again? dr. sheppard moved from new york to seattle to live in a trailor. that seems pretty dawson's creek of him. or maybe my decisions don't really matter now. maybe when you're in a place everything seems so important - but once you move on you realize that it's not. what does that mean? is everything relative? or can you look back at your life and be like "this is a time when my decisions mattered a lot" but "this was not" and why can't you know when those times are.

or is all my existential aganst my not wanting to write me paper and me being concerned with fucking up school. maybe - just maybe....

home (sweet?) home

okay.

back in toronto. centre of the universe. well - the canadian universe. tonight were the english language debates. i don't really care. nothing will change - what does it matter? we need a leader with vision. preferably a centre-left leader with vision - but man.

also - parents. esp. mothers. totally a mixed blessing. (exhale slowly). for the most part - fabulous. but sometimes... (exhale slowly)

aes: i was thinking about it. and i think that it's okay to remake movies that are classic stories. because there are narratives in human history which are told time and time again for a reason. classic stories. with jungian archtypes etc. but movies that are not very good to begin with... i understand your point about why remake them? - when there are so many other new projects to take on.

also - Christmas with D. was amazing. this is because D. is amazing. and it's all i can do to not write paragraphs on this subject - because i get so excited that i just want to go on and on - but i will spare all of you those details - at least in this medium - and for now keep all of my wonderful thoughts in my own head to make me happy.

did i mention i'm supposed to be writing a 25page paper. yeah....

thank you guys.

everyone's comments after my last post (and since only 3 people comment - really - everyone's comments) made me feel so much better. your well wishes and my advil make the pain just seem to disappear.

also - at the moment my apartment is set to 19degrees. However - in reality it is a balmy 28. that's like a beach in mexico hot. i guess it's better than if the apartment were like 12.... but my god. i accidently touched the radiator and i think i acquired second degree burns.

okay. day beginning....

now.

i feel a little better now.

i'm talking to my mom on the phone. she thinks the doctor misdiagonsed me. then she asked me a bunch of questions to make sure i wasn't having a stroke. talking to her was really really nice. and my eggnog chai was really nice. and i bought devin a little plane gift - which made me happy. it's funny. you know something's going on when retail therapy becomes about someone besides yourself.

apparently i should get the marking key by 11pm tonight - so i don't know if i should start now or not - i don't even have the stupid exam questions. sigh. i'm just feeling really emotional right now. i could definetly cry - but it wouldn't be for any reason - just as an emotional release. i think i need a) a big hug and b) to go into a sensory deprivation tank. or the big black bag that dustin hoffman puts jason swartzman into in i heart huckabees.

good day/bad day (or fortunetly/unfortunetly)

Bad Day
1) the shooting pain in my neck at the moment. oh wait. that's my fault for thinking i could move it. maybe i'll just break down and start with the advil. and i so thought it was getting better.
2) not having a freakin' marking key!!
2a) having to mark tomorrow.
3) the possibility of having to start christmas late tomorrow because i don't have a stupid marking key.
4) my father's complete lack of sympathy for all of the above

Good Day
1) mailing the second half of my christmas cards.
2) cleaning/laundry/being house productive.
2a) speaking of house - it's guest starring cynthia nixon tonight.
3) my paper. stressful but enjoyable.
4) talking to D.
5) getting mail from lindi! (okay - so that was yesterday - but i'm still happy about it today so i'm still counting it).

UNCONTROLABLE SPASMING

okay.

so i broke my head. don't laugh. it's true. well. the top of my neck muscles which are at head level. as i recall it's called torticollis (this is a result of my googling my symptoms and trying to remember the word the doctor said. and no - not the congenital one that you are born with - the temporary one.) It is the constant, uncontrollable spasming of my neck muscles which sevrely limits my neck movement and makes it very difficult to sleep. UNCONTROLABLE SPASMING.

yeah. so now i have an official reason that i am in pain and reason to complain and demand necks rubs. it's been three days and it still totally hurts. make it stop!

grey's anatomy quotes - christmas episode

christina "i haven't observed religious holidays since i was old enough to know better"

meredith - what if it were you?
christina - it wouldn't be.
meredith - but what if it were you?
christina - it wouldn't be.

addison "am i invisible. i'm feeling strangely invisible. and also inaudiable."

dr. burke "the way you're feeling right now. that's why i believe in something bigger than me. because if i didn't that feeling of powerlessness would eat me alive"

izzy "(yelling) because it's what jesus would freaking do!!"

derek "i love her. just because i decided to stay with you doesn't change that."

7:30 in the p.m.

okay.

i am done assignment which i wanted to get done today. tomorrow a quick edit and hand in.

tonight more reading and grey's anatomy. it is 7:30. soon i will start making dinner. i think that i might try to cook something. i've been unfortunetly inspired. must. stop. blogging.

starbucks and love

i love devin. love.

why you ask. he just showed up at my door with starbucks. and not any starbucks. eggnog latte starbucks. i am so happy that i want to do schoolwork. i didn't know that it was a potential outcome of happiness but it is. happy happy happy. happy.

(see now that devin is reading this i worry that i shouldn't use the word love with quite so much frequency. but seeing as i'm not suppoesd to "censor myself" i trust that he knows what i mean.)

Life's a Beach

Burning all the photos, sorting through the clothes
You bought this new for me and now it's full of holes
Remember babytalk in the morning
What's the hurry my girl?
You don't need any coffee if you take the day off school
We're all over and I'm all over town
We've got work here tearing it down
You know it's quicker packing for a holiday
'Cause I'd see these things again
I loved you in this T-shirt of mine
You can have it - it say's "Life's a Beach"
There's a beach umbrella, couple lying in the sun
And for once in my life it's not the people from the suburbs
It's me's got it wrong
On through the evening and into the dawn
Journey me, journey me
where love keeps on
Burning all the photos, they have a habit of mocking a single man
I'm keeping the first one, we're not even holding hands
We're all over and I'm all over town
We've got work here tearing it down
There's a beach umbrella, couple lying in the sun
And for once in my life it's not the people from the suburbs
It's me's got it wrong

The Whitlams.

lunchtime

wow. look at me. once again. the posting queen.

right now i am eating a humus sandwich. the humus was made by a man named eugene. it's called eugene's humus. it is amazing. it was the most expensive humus in the store - and now i see why. because it is incredible. do you know who else is incredible? okay. yes. by now i'm sure you all do. (but in case you forget - D is incrediable!!)

ohmigd - what else is incrediable. the whitlams. fuck. they are amazing. i don't listen to the album for like a month - then i listen to it - and after five years it is still amazing. probably my favourite album. (eternal nightcap - the version released in canada - which has a couple track differences from the original releaesd in australia).

the sun is shining. the c.d. player is singing. life is good man. life is good.

and tonight is grey's anatomy. this is the life!

p.s. i am aware that i constantly mispell incrediable. but what can you do?

my dream from last night

okay. here is my dream.

aes and i were going to go to a movie, but in order to do so we had to ditch a.j., b.p., and s.b. and then we were all going to meet up later downtown.

but then there was a problem and we couldn't see the movie. so we were going to take the bus to D.'s house and have him drive us downtown. and then we somehow met up with a.j., b.p. and s.b. and we all ran together to catch the bus. so then we were all taking the bus to D.'s. so i'm all worried that we are going to miss his stop, aes is pissed off because now that everyone is there she wants to drive her own car and not be on the bus, and i'm freaking out b/c aes is all upset and b/c D. doesn't know we are coming, plus now that there are five of us, we won't all fit into his car.

a second part of the same dream involved me running through a train station with my sister - we had to catch a train on the 3rd level and there were three groups of us running for it. and she kept stopping and like fixing her clothes and asking random people for fashion advice and i was about ready to kill her. we totally missed at least one train. but i don't really remember the rest.

okay. so apparently i am now having anxiety dreams about my friends, family, D. and transportation. i'll never be able to function normally in society again. (this of course suggests that i once had that capacity....)

good morning world

mmmm... morning.

so my alarm didn't go off at 7 and i got up at 8:30. i slept really well last night.

then i got up and went for a walk to the ocean. well - to oak bay which then becomes the pacific ocean. the i went to starbucks for some chai, then the bread store for a cinnamon bun and some bread. i also bought really yummy humus for lunch. right now i am sitting on my couch listening to the garden state soundtrack with the aforementioned purchased breakfast

last night i wrote about 1/2 of my final assignment (not of my final 25page paper) so hopefully i will finish up a draft of that this morning and print/edit submit it on monday.

then i will spend the rest of the making notes for mr. 25pager.

also my apartment is currently 26 degrees celcius. i don't know if it's the furnace that is crazy or the people upstairs b/c my themostat is set to 19. (whichever is set higher is the temp the furnace heats to). my door and window are both open - so hopefully at least i will be able to do work without changing into shorts.

i love zach braff. love. and i think that if he knew me he would love me too. yeah. in fact - maybe i should go to l.a. find him, introduce myself. or maybe follow him around a bit first, find out what he likes, where he goes, who is friends are, pitch a tent outside his house, buy a telescopic camera lens.... you'll all come visit me in jail, right? right?!?!?

i'm only kidding. my stalking budget is already maxed out on D. that van that's been parked outside his best friends house in calgary for the past week - not really delivering flowers...

"as long as the river still runs to the sea, hey lucky you, lucky me, hey lucky you, lucky me" GBS

i spent last night with D.

every minute of it was amazing. when he's not here i think that it all must be some wonderful dream - that's the only possiblity for something that is this good - if it's too good to be true then it probably is sort of thing.

but then i see him and it's real. and it's amazing.

my proudest moment (or winning a contest based on gluttony)

today i had a very proud moment.

i was on my way to starbucks this morning to buy myself a coffee - when what did i stumble across but a hot dog eating contest!

now normally i tend to shy away from such things - but whether it was the crisp winter air or the crowds of excited townsfolk - i was drawn into the maddness. then - suddenly - tradegy struck. one of the competitors had overdosed on the performance enhancing drugs which she was taking in advance of this contest. where would they find someone to replace her on such short notice?

seeing my moment i stepped up - threw my hat into the ring - clearly - this was god telling me that today was the today i was supposed to win my first hot dog eating contest.

as i nervously approached the stage i was deaf to the cheers and jeers of the crowd, but only thought was on my final goal - the twenty hotdogs on the plate in front of me. twenty weiners in twenty buns - could i do it?

the competition was fierce. little jimmy was the crowd's sentimental favourite, but at six years old no one expected much. to his right was karl. a grade 12 student and the reigning champ. last year finishing his dogs in only 7minutes, 16 seconds. his eyes were like steel, and the only sign that he had been the Santa yesterday at the local elementary school was his big belly that moved when he laughed that a great bowl of jelly. but whereas for small children his giant belly was a source of amusement - for me - it was a reminder of his years of success in hot dog eating contests. Next was Father Mike. A priest for 35 years, he had god and years of celibacy and letting his figure go on his side. Second last was Kelly Clarkson. No. Not that one. A local celebrity, she had won the vancouver island triatholon the past five years. she was a triathlete to combat her veracious appitite and love of eating. Karl had narrowly beat her for the title last year and she was hungary for hot dogs and revenge. the good money was on her.

then there was me. the unknown. what chance did i have against this all star field?

the shot rang out - it was time to begin.

i grapped the first hot dog, then the second. hot dog after hot dog i ate, focusing on the task at hand, but not deaf to the shouts around me. little jimmy got bored and wandered off halfway through hot dog number one - no real surprise there. So it was down to four. After about the 12th hot dog and around the 4 minute mark i started to feel a little sick. a little queasy. like maybe eating 20hot dogs was not such a good idea after all. Then i saw something out of the corner of my eye... it was karl. something was happening. he was chocking!! the paramedics quickly came to the rescue - but with him out of the way i had a shot - i had to keep going.

by hot dog 16 i was ahead of father mike and one behind kelly clarkson. how could i make up a whole hot dog in 2 1/2 minutes. the pace had slown considerably by then - i think we were all getting a little tired. that's when it happened! Kelly Clarkson made a rookie mistake. All of her triathlon training must had blocked out of her mind cardinal rule number two of hot dog eating contests - NEVER drink water. the combination of white bread, water, and various animal entrails which occurs inside the stomach can be fatal. all of sudden i watched as kelly clarkson lurched upwards, and stumbled away from the table as i shoved hot dog 18 into my mouth. Father Mike had slowed still more - this was it - my moment. i could here the crowd with me. 19! they cheered. and the roar of the crowd did not die down until after i had swallowed the last bit of that 20th hot dog.

The town mayor placed a gold medal around my neck and miss teen victoria presented me with a boquet of flowers. onlookers and wellwishers threw roses and teddy bears onto the stage. My final time was 7minutes 21 seconds. So in the end I did not break the record. however i'll have another chance. i was invited back next year.

and that - my friends - is my proudest moment.

in the politics grad office

today D. came to visit me in the politics office. that was fun. a combination of my two loves. except that at the moment i hate politics. oh well. any moment that will change. any moment....

now i'm just waiting for the whole freakin' department to come back from lunch so i can give a copy of the first year exam back to the prof - so i can go home and have lunch and then go out for dinner with D. tonight!!

some thoughts on boys and friends and the holiday season

today i was on the bus coming back from school. and guess who got on the bus? that's right. W. guess who got on the bus and completely ignored me. sitting in a diagonal in his seat staring intently at his book. that's right. W. again. i mean c'mon - i know like what? 4 people in Victoria? and now one of them is ignoring me!??!??!

it's not even like we ever broke up - we just never arranged another date after our last one. point being - i thought the ignorning was totally out of line. in fairness - i suppose i could have said something - i just didn't want to deal with it - and so maybe he didn't either.... sigh.

also - i might be neglecting my dear blog a bit between D. and school - however - at heart i am in no way neglecting my (two) loyal blog readers. as aes already knows i talk to devin about her all the time - and last just last night i told D. how excited i was that i would get to see mpom when i got back to toronto and celebrate her CHAMPANGE birthday (i then had to explain to him what that was..). I thought of a present i wanted to buy you - but then i went to the store and i only imagined that what i wanted to buy you actually existed - and since it is not real - that made it a bit tricky to buy. so i hoping that inspiration strikes again - and that this time it strikes me with something that actually exists.

D. bought the rest of my Christmas present today. i am so excited!! liz is happy.

devin's christmas gift

i gave devin my blog address. this is because i'm crazy. so this is where the xmas present post used to be... so that devin can read the blog w/o finding out about the awesome new computer i bought him for christmas!! (right.... first i need to buy myself a new computer). okay. that's it for now. xoxo L.

on second thought...

so yeah.

baileys and milk = good
baileys and eggnog = blah!!
also lowfat eggnog = blah!!

how does starbucks do it? magic!

friday night.

in a single girl's life there are three important firsts:

the first time you have sex
the first time you have good sex
the first time you see his apartment

three was good. i'm still excited for one and two.

i'm thinking about mixing bailey's and eggnog.

i think it sounds yummy....

last night devin and i went to see RENT. the movie was fun. very good. i wish i had seen it on stage. that would have been cool. very super cool. it's okay though.

speaking of movies... memoirs of a giesha is coming out. as a movie. the ads say "based on the unforgettable bestseller..." well let me tell you... i read it, and i don't remember a SINGLE THING!! so either it wasn't really that unforgettable or i just have problems with forgetting.... either way.

final thought. Devin is really amazing. really wonderful. really fabulous. like wow. or in the words of mya "like woah!"

nothing interesting. again.

haha!! 97 views!!! 3 more and i'm at 100. views!!!!!

i think gilmore girls is a rerun. excellent. not tempted to watch it.

two comments!

i see that my last post illicted not one, but two comments!! that's the kind of attitude we like here!

also - i told larry that i was in love (qualifying what i meant be love) and he told me not to get carried away and to take things slowly. this is why i don't ask larry boy questions!! however - he also said he was happy for me. which was good.

i need to leave my D-haze and do schoolwork. bah!

also - degrassi the next generation. awesome!

final g.a. thought.

how do we know how much is too much?

grey's anatomy quotes

Seriously – why don’t guys understand than when you pick them up in bars and then take them home for sex there are no white picket fences or children in our future – Meredith Grey

A future of one night stands and problematic penius is not what you want. You want better and you deserve better - George

it's a key. just a key. or you could start thinking about moving in with me - Dr. Burke

can i just add that i really like D. and that right now he is also watching grey's anatomy. and that is fabulous. all is fabulous. we are meeting for coffee tomorrow :)

status report.

still love D.

working on paper. took many hours to get started. now writing about 2pages an hour. this is good.

now i am going to make dinner. then more work. then maybe Grey's Anatomy break. It depends how far along i am.

sunday morning

i can hear birds outside my window!!

and i am ridiculously happy.

Campus coffee – a post in 2 parts

Part I – who pre-writes blog posts?!?!?

Today I spent at school. There were very few highlights as it was Saturday and I was in a locked building. (which implies that I, yes me, have KEYS to a building – if I were a better theory student I would now read something into that about access to power and knowledge and how that access is granted or denied – but to be quite honest – I don’t care at all)

Right now I’m sitting in a freakin’ awesome coffee shop called “campus coffee” (note: this coffee shop is NOT on campus. Seriously). I am eating yummy thai chicken soup. It’s is just past 5:30. I am supposed to go to D’s around 7 or 8. I’m not sure why so late – but whatever. I will have coffee and (maybe) work on my essay to kill the time. This place is playing some pretty cool, fairly random, but familiar music. Which is good, but not conducive to writing.

Part II - Mocha Maddness!

Ohmigd. i just ordered their holiday mocha. So it’s the usual with the mint syrup etc. but they make it with chocolate milk and chocolate whip cream (I know!!) and top it with crushed up bits of candycane!!! I think I’m in love.

You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand
You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand
Because you’re a holiday mocha, I will drink you up
Because you’re so sweet and yummy, I want to empty my cup.
Believe me. Believe me.

Broadway here I come!!!

sat 10:17am

this is me.

sat. morn.

at school. sitting in the reading room. waiting for the kettle to boil so i can make tea.

tonight i'm going to Ds. did i mention he watches grey's anatomy? i think we might be soul mates! i don't actually think that.

i hate school. the end.

D.

okay. i love D. we just went out. fourth date in three days (though he says its our first proper date). yeah. i have a making-out dehyrdration headache at the moment and i have to get up in like 6hours and be a student again.

part II

i have become really cynical and second-guessing myself in a way i never used to. or don't think i used to. i've totally now adopted at least new several neurosis, curtesy, may I just say, of aes. anyways... more on this later. by this i mean my neurosis.

now it is 7:06 and i'm not dressed nor is my apt. at all clean. damn.

the end of the last 10 months of my life

wow. i am really happy. i really hope this works.

also - there is a moth in my apartment. boo. ahhhhh!! now it's flying about.

okay. also. i am so lucky. i have the most awesome girlfriends in the world. i love you all!! (i don't know where this just came from. i think b/c i've talked to so many of them in the last week so i feel especially special at the moment).

good things.

ohmigd i'm in love. love!

okay. so i'm not actually in love. but i'm majorly in like. head over heels in like. (did i mention he likes me too!)

bad things.

wow. a whole day in half without my posting. what is this world coming to.

okay me now:
super freaked out about school. need to use brain. need to think. need to do work.
just finished dinner. coronation street is on. was supposed to go with lawschool steph for drinks but too much work to do. plus she was going to call and she hasn't. so i left a msg. on her machine saying that i still wanted to go but if she was going to cancel that was okay. plus last nite when she called to see if we were still on she totally sounded like she wanted to cancel - but felt bad so she wasn't going to.

so now i am going to post and then i'm going to go to starbucks and then i'm going to do work. because now it's at the point where i don't have a choice anymore. double fuck. also i am going to buy milk.

house quote

"If two people have sex, unless it sucks, they're going to do it again. and that's when the trouble starts." -- Dr. Chase

pretty blah.

diva cup = super cool

watching house. met a cute boy in virtual reality.

also - when i'm 40 i want to look like sela ward and i want to marry someone who looks like (and talks like) hugh laurie.

at the moment i have a rather unattractive pimple. that's unfortunate. i also really really want orange juice. but i don't have any. that makes me sad. wow. my life is just hard at the moment.

mp has started her blog again. i would like to think that i was the inspiration behind this. but i won't give myself that much credit. today i had a turkey sandwich for brunch and a tuna sandwich for dinner. I should probably try to eat properly tomorrow. balance out today.

so today was not really a great day. not a bad day. but not a great day. i think i'm just tired.

warning: girl stuff. (i don't really believe that. how a women's body ebbs and flows should be beautiful and celebrated - but it's not)

it's 2am. i think i am getting my second wind. in future - i should just not put myself in such posititions - i.e. where i still need to be awake and get a second wind. oh man. tomorrow will be rough.

but why i'm really posting is b/c i got my period. okay. hardly exciting. but when i was in van-city with T. she made me buy a diva cup (it's like the keeper. if you don't know what either of these two things are - do not pass GO. do not collect $200). so anyways. i am wearing it. it feels really weird. like its in correctly. i can't feel it, painful feel it. but i can feel it inside of me. if anyone is interested i will update you on how it goes. i don't think i'm going to wear it to school - at least not tomorrow. i don't want to have to deal with giving a presentation and simaltaneously freaking out b/c... yeah. okay. those are my thoughts.

update

2) have a phone number for the future love of my life

life or something like it

it's one thing when you are exhibiting behavior which is maybe not perfect behavior - maybe even questionable - but what about people who who think they are exhibiting constructive behavior - when really its more questionable than perhaps they think. not destructive - but maybe worthy of reflection. or maybe we just shouldn't try to look into what's going on in other people's lives. i mean fuck. i don't get mine - who am i to think i could get anyone elses?

tonight is drinks with C. it hasn't happened so i have nothing to say about it at the moment.

i went to the bank to get money out for said date - but then realized i did not have my debit card. fortunetly i found it in my coat pocket at home so now i can get money out in advance and not look like some crazy - cashless individual. i hope he's an officer - but i guess its okay if he's not.

also - today i talked to sarah for two hours. i can feel my wallet hurting already. but it's okay. it was worth it. (sing-song voice) i get to belfast!! what an amazing adventure. i have to figure out my schedule for next term so i can buy a plane ticket!! it will be the most funnest planride ever!! like a million freaking hours!

check out http://www.stopglobalwarming.org/ to sign their fancy list of americans who are concerned about global warming.

okay. that's me.

update

T. hasn't heard anything about such a wedding. so we will continue to wait.

bed time

Sat nite. stayed in to get work done. amount of work done: zero. damn.

so. marriage. yeah. big step. is there anyone getting married that maybe i should know about. (cough cough). any thoughts. if not - then i guess that all will reveal itself in time. though it would be nice if it were to reveal itself sooner. "reveal" makes me think of doing a striptease. to cheesy 70s porn music. that makes me laugh.

travelling pants and learning.

my god! that movie was fabulous. i want travelling pants. actually - i would settle for pants which stayed in one place which fit me perfectely and in which wonderful things happened to me. or i suppose - i which i learned important lessons about myself. acutally - i think that i am learning important lessons about myself. i haven't quite figured out what they are - but i am defininetly in the middle of learning them. and there is no real reason for me to put myself in a position for this learning - i mean - its not something i need to be doing right now - heck it's probably not something i even have time to be doing right now - and though this is not exactly an example of carpe diem - i seem to have had something of a lack of carpe diem opportunities of late - so maybe i am just trying to position myself so i'll have more. oh heck. i don't know. it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

dinner and ice cream and breakfast

now i am watching law and order.

tonight for dinner i had salmon and brocolli and mushrooms. talk about healthy. and yummy!!! yay for wild, fresh, atlantic salmon! and yay for cooking. it's been about a week :)

i also bought ice cream! yay for ice cream!!

tonight i was going to watch sisterhood of the travelling pants - but then S. called and invited me for drinks at my local - so i am going to do that instead.

and tomorrow morning i will go to star. and buy some fresh bread and watch the movie with brekkie. i know i'm excited!

does size matter? a gendered analysis of body part size - or - more sharing

posting. there hasn't been a long post in a while. or an interesting one. let's see where this one goes - shall we?

okay. so. here is my question. does size matter?

now. i tend to like big guys. tall, broad etc. but i've gone out with slim guys and short guys (not short short but like my height) and it's all good. as for me, i realize that i will never be a size 6 - but i'm not too bothered. and i am very happy with the size of my breasts - so really - i think i'm pretty good to go. and both of those things people can tell pretty quickly about me. like at a bar - a guy can see what i look like, how big my boobs are etc. and he can judge me or not judge me based on those things. and that's his choice.

but there are some sizes which may or may not matter which hide. some sizes which can only be discovered after a fair about of intamacy. now i've seen some guys who are average size. i've a couple who are above average. and i've watched sex and the city. i know that below average is out there. maybe it was only a matter of time before i came across it. well people. that time is now. it can be small. really small. i think i always just thought that some people thought not-big = small. but it doesn't. because there is small. and on a big guy.... oh i'm a horrible person.

so in conclusion. people judge people. and the judging occurs at many points along the "getting to know you" journey. and though i am still hesitant to conclude that size matters - let's just say.... it doesn't not.

my favourite quote ever

this summer i saw this on a card at a card shop at yonge and st. clair and i really liked it. i tried to memorize it on the spot - but that failed.

so two days in the uvic bookstore i see this same quote on a card (though the physical card was not as nice) and I wrote it down so that i will always have a record of it.

"The aim of life is to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenly, divinely, aware." - Henry Miller

that is my goal. i think that if i were to live my life like that i could die happy.

House Quote.

"you'd be surprised what you can live with."

(said in the context of you'd be surprised at the actions which you take which you are able to justify to yourself - to live with - because after all - after the fact - what choice do you have?)

a happy-go-lucky kind of evening coffee

i just got back from coffee.

K. who works there was in just visiting and we were talking - then a 40something regular joined in. they talked about death for a while. his mother had a stroke and vividly remembers her childhood - though no so much now. apparently she might have had a child who she had to give up?

in any case - they began talking about death. I don't really think I have a fear of death. So then I tried to think about it b/c maybe i'm just repressing my fear. though it's not really a nice subject to dwell on in any case. i definetly have a fear of others people's deaths. but not really my own so much. i definetly have a fear of pain. but death? i don't particularly want to die - nor would i want the people I love to have to deal with that - but if it were quick and painless i think i could handle that.

now to do more foucault. slow deep breaths and prayer will help me through this. i'm not really sure how the prayer will help since they won't really be directed to anyone.... but they can't hurt.

and it's not like i can fail my masters.... or so i think.

music

tonight i have phantom of the opera and the streets in my head. this is a very interesting combination. to be quite honest i am a little concerned. what is my subconscious trying to tell me.

must do work. so can go to sleep!!

grey's anatomy. again.

again. grey's anantomy is amazing.

the scene at the end with meredith and derek (is that his name - dr. mcdreamy) i swear i could feel it/know exactly what it feels like. incidently - if i wasn't me - i would totally make fun of me right now.

and now I am marking. this is not my priority but i have to do it eventually so.... why not now?

upon returning from van-city. yes. they really do call it that.

quickly now children. quickly.

school - i am going to die. let's just leave it at that.

what else.

vancouver fucking rocked my world man!!

new things I love:
25th and main
sushi
spoken word poetry
shane and other assorted hippies
skytrain
gastown at night and twinkle lights
gas stations in the ocean (though i'm aware this might not actually be a good thing)
all things organic
bruce lee

also - my wintering in europe trip has now been expanded to include belfast. so it's now geneva, belfast, and budapest. sadly - these cities are no where near each other. and i'm a grad student who is supposed to be doing school.

meh.

at this moment. life is good.

as are chai eggnog lattes. mmmmm....

oh well. Grey's anatomy tonite. SWEET!

V.

off to the van-city! (do people call it that)?

but first school. school on reading break? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

packing is much harder for a winter holiday than a summer holiday (and it's not even real winter!)

back on sunday.

important conclusion

okay - if i want people to comment on my blog i think that i am going to have to give the address to more than the two people who have it now. okay three - but i don't think V. has visited - so two. see - when i started the blog i was like "oh - whatever - i don't care if no one reads it - i'm not an emotional exhibitionist". wrong! i clearly am. maybe i should start posting comments on other blogs with my blog address so people will click on the link. not spam comments clearly.

or.... i could get a life and post only for me - like i was going to - and not care who else reads it - on the assumption that i will acutally continue to TALK with my friends so that if something of any importance is happening they will no. that and i'll start emailing out random song lyrics. i should stop thinking about blogs so much. again - just to acknowledge - that i'm well aware of my lateness on jumping on this bandwagon. so really - this commentary - while cutting edge four years ago - is now truly cutting room floor material. and yet.... post!

looking eastward

"For William Davis, Premier of Ontario (1971-1985), who asked 'Ontario! Is there any place you'd rather be?' You betcha, Bill."

Watching the Apples Grow

It's early up Ontario farm, Chicken crow for day
I wish I grew Annapolis apples up above Fundy Bay
Oh it seems so far away

On the ridge above Acadia's town to the valley down below
The evening shadow falls upon the families listening to the radio
And watching the apples grow.

(CHORUS)Down on the farm, back among the family, away from Ontario
Hear the ladies singing to the men, dancing it heel and toe
And watching the apples grow.

Ontario, y'know I've seen a place I'd rather be
Your scummy lakes and the City of Toronto don't do a damn thing for me
I'd rather live by the sea.

I've watched the V's of geese go by, the foxfoot in the snow
I've climbed the ridge of Gaspereaux Mt., looking to the valley below
And watching the apples grow.

(Repeat Chorus Twice)

Stan Rogers

In case you missed it - the song is about nova scotia

cuddling.

okay.

i am talking to A. on the phone right now. which is nice. our conversation reminded me of perry mason and "passionate handholding" circa 7th or 8th grade. this was not my passionate handholding. though i definetly had passionate holdholding experiences - however - i do not believe that ever once referred to them as such.

this whole thing with A+J is so quite confusing. i am glad that i am not in a confusing situation. however - i wish that i was in a cute cuddling relationship. cuddling is the greatest thing ever. so that is good. well not for me - because i am not in a cute cuddling relationship - but it is good for people who are.

90210

blogs - what are they good for. nuttin.

moving on.

aersino hall is on t.v. talking about the american idol judges. how random? jason priestly is also on t.v. talking about random stuff. jason then and now. pre and post crash. oh 90210 gang - where did you go? kelly. donna. ian ziering. david silver. brandon and brenda. and of course - bad boy dylan. and andrea. remember andrea. from first kisses to going all the way. those were the days. i guess maybe those are still the days - oh - now i'm confused.

today had it's good moments and its bad moments. it actually had many good moments and one bad moment. so i will focus on the good moments. school i s getting stressful again - but at least its getting "actual work" stressful as opposed to freaking out with no direction stressful.

movies

i want to see the following movies:

elizabethtown
jarhead
the charlize theron coal mine movie
shopgirl
rent

the last two in particular. movies!!

what else do i want? thai food and indian food. not right now - but more in general.

oh and a boyfriend. i want a boyfriend. (that's just an afterthought)

and a new haircut. and a puppy.

okay - it was going to be just the movies. but i guess that i just got carried away. i'm sure that if i thought about it i would have far more - but maybe that's enough for tonight.

office hours and GENEVA

i am sitting in my office. i have been sitting here (sitting as well as pacing) for the past 1 hour and 12 minutes. and let me just say that i am very bored. bored. maybe i should offer to inflate people's marks if they come visit me in office hours.

what i should be doing is my work. SHOULD being the operative word. i am pretty far behind on most stuff. not like deathly far behind - but definetly a decent amount.

i have to meet with people and tell them that i am no where near where i thought i would be - and try to come up with some sort of good excuse.

today i made an offhand remark about stress and wanting to kill myself - and melissa, who i made to - got all concerned - it was really nice. and not to worry - i will find a far more productive way to deal with my stress.

and i definetly don't want to kill myself because i am going to geneva in feburary! well - subject to final approval from mum and amy. (you see that - i need final approval from you when you return from the great white norweign north). but my daddy said i could go - so it's all good. apparently geneva is a "government" town - but whatever - so are ottawa and brussells and they are both pretty cool places. i can speak french!! okay - there is no way i will actually speak french - but i could. mountains! i realize that at the moment i live very close to mountains - but it's not like i can see them out my bedroom window - so - mountains!!

yes - only 10minutes left until i am free! then i will go to the library and then meet with profs and go to class and go home and (please god) do work.

foucault

today is wednesday.

today i read some foucault. tomorrow i will read some more foucault.

now i will go make a smoothie.

one more thing

i understand that understanding girls if you are a boy can be hard.

but when a girl is being extremely transparent you should understand what she is thinking.

ohmigd. i've turned into a "you should know what i'm thinking girl."

fuck. where did i go wrong? at this moment i am a hypocrite.

note to self: work on that.

haircuts, sweaters and house

okay

so house is on - and though i missed the first 15mintues - there main guest character is a man who works as a doctor in africa. SAVING THE WORLD. I think it's a sign. a sign that i should continue my reading re: saving the world. not acutally saving - but traversing the philosophical writings on saving the world

I want to see shopgirl!!

I want my hair to look like Claire Danes. But it does not. I got my hair cut today. It looks good right now. i am deeply concerned that it will not look good tomorrow. i wasn't going to cut it and instead grow it long again - but this morning i decided i wanted it shorter. plus i have alex's voice in the back of my head saying (what kind of uninteresting individual doesn't change their hair?) and so i foolishly gave the young hair dresser a little more discredition than i might usually. so now i have a hair cut which is many different lengths.

also today i bought a fabulous sweater at jacob. and another sweater which i will return on the weekend (b/c on second thought it was not so fabulous). fabulous! i will wear it on friday for lunch with canadian poli prof #1. i get to participate in four lunches with polisci prof candidates and be the grad rep and report on the opinions/views of the grad students. which i am quite looking forward to. i think i might wear a skirt. fun!

also - elexa (the new female sex products from trojan) has produced a vibrating ring. i'm not really sure how such a thing would work - but how cool does that sound. i saw it in shoppers today - it was a little pricey - but think of the potential!

today was a pretty good day. i'm pretty happy about it. hopefully we can repeat tomorrow.

while watching degrassi the next generation before going to sleep

mmm.

it's monday nite and i have a wicked headache. wicked in the bad sense, not the 8th grade sense. i am going to go to sleep soon. in 15minutes or so. and then i will wake up in the morning and go to the library. and then go to class. right now i am talking to lg on msn.

today in tutorial the conversation turned to sex and penis for about two minutes before i managed to get it back on track. clearly the digression was more interesting than the actual topic at hand.

i told alex i would post - but i am sure that she was hoping for something a little more inspired.

don't worry though - tomorrow will probably be better

sunday nitetime

today is sunday.

yesterday i talked to tara for probably the last time before she lives in budapest. i have decided that rather than being horribly jealous of her and amy i should try to look at this as an opportunity to get excited about living on the west coast (and only be a little jealous)

today i read 85pages of Hegel, which leaves 15pages and 500word commentary for tomorrow (yikes!!) too much schoolwork. especically if i want to go away next week. tonight i had dinner by myself at the local gastro-pub (a pub which serves proper food). I have never had dinner by myself before. it was quite an important step for my development as an adult. and it was delicious! i never want to cook for myself again!!

i am watching grey's antanomy - the greatest show on t.v. as we all know. and it's making me cry.

also today there was a cute guy working at the coffee shop and a cute guy at the restaurant. a good cute guy day. the cute guy at the restaurant looked like B. but not quite as cute.

yesterday no work got done - but i should be okay if i do a lot of work everyday next week. should hopefully. hopefully should.

final thought - james agreed with my comment on alex's blog. this is key b/c one of my life goals is for james to like me.

another life goal (but not really) is to own my own pub. how sweet would that be?

gbs and life changes

saturday night.

in my previous lives i would have been out - but not this one. halloween '03 seeing the woods band live at the Belfast fesitval at queens. going to the parlour after with naffie - naffie kissing shane (?) the lead singer - and i got dave's buisness card for theorectical future hookups in dublin. that was a sweet night.

i have reached the conclusion that i should be concerned about how i am adjusting. i think that recognizing that was the first step. the second and third steps were booking a three day trip to seattle and making an appointment to get my hair cut. i don't have to be happy - but i can at least be contented.

one good thing to come of all of this is that i decided to watch a movie tonight - and turned on the tv (which was off until grey's atonomy) and (thank you bravo and law and order) GBS live at the rehersal on was on. the god's are smiling at me. i got the gbs email but i had forgotten. so that will defeintly make me happy over the next hour. i will also eat a wonderful dinner of random food.

alan doyle is looking a little bit older (which makes me a little sad but i guess it's to be expected) but he still has gorgeous hair - and i would still sleep with him in a second. sean mccann is also hot - but that's just too weird.

morning has broken

homemade chai lattes.
listening to any questions.
went for a walk and had a shower.
enjoying 10:30am on saturday.

very boring post

so let's see...

today i talked with the old grad advisor. (old as in previous versus he was old). it was really good. what else? i should probably iron a shirt to wear tomorrow. but that involves clearing the table, getting out the ironing board, ironing.... although at the moment i am clearly not engaged in anything more valuable.

it is fall-winter time. all the good oscar movie are starting to come out. mayor juliani (sp?) is on law and order. (it must be very obvious what i am doing - however - i shall do dishes and (maybe) iron) and then i shall do work. fingers crossed than i shall do work.

wed. nite.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

greatest song ever! (no hyperbole here whatsoever)

mint chocolate chip ice cream and 8pm law and order. in ten minutes i will change from my cords to my fabulous uvic pants and read foucault. discipline and punish.

the end of essentialism

in reading foucault there is some discussion of torture. torture and bodies and power - it all goes together quite nicely. but here's the thing which is bothering me. not so much about foucault - but about torture in general.

if we look to the u.s. in iraq or torture camps in chile during the 1980s (during the time in chile when that stuff was happening) we see a shift in who is doing the torturing.

in the 1500, 1600, 1700, 1800s etc. it was men who were doing the torturing. mainly because it was men who were doing everything. unfortunetly - it seems that in the 20th and 21st centuries torture has become yet another equal opportunity employer.

no i know what you might be thinking - torture is torture is torture - it's bad - what does it matter who is doing it - women have the same capacity for evil as men - look at Karla Hamolka.

but there is something about the idea of women systamatically torturing other human beings that fills me with a deep and profound sadness. i don't want to accept that women are capable of this. that if given the opportunity women would be as prepared as men to debase themselves and others in this fashion. not okay. i want to believe that there is something about women which is fundamentally different (not better - different) than men. that women could not do this. and i am discovering that there is not.

which in some ways destroys the promise of feminism. the promise of a different way of seeing/experiencing/understanding the world. undermining an ethics of care (as opposed to justice). all the arguements about actions being dependent on the situation etc. out of character etc. they apply equally to women as to men.

maybe this destroys the essentialist arguement once and for all. maybe this is proof postitive that there are no differences. that underneath it all we really are the same. but if this is what it means to be the same - maybe i'd rather be different.

britain doesn't have a constitution - why does iraq need one?

softwood lumber!!
today i got a package from marypat. she is the bestest person ever. i should definetly send more mail myself. and i talked to lauren on the phone. it was a kingston night.

tomorrow must be a foucault day. seven hours of sleep. precious, beautiful, wonderful sleep.

development work and me

i feel like i want to have some deep and profound thoughts tonight. however - this is very unlikely. so i will just have my normal thoughts.

today i got an email from amy - two in fact - the second was about jw who is currently in lesheto working with aids/hiv patients in a clinic. this is especially relevant now as i am just recently completed this weekends emotional/intellectual freak-out about doing a phd on development theory. and though i still have no interest in doing that particularly - i am starting to think. i always thought that development work was someone else. someone like amy. someone who really wanted to do it - to change the world - and who was in a position to actually, possibly, achieve that kind of goal.

changing the world through development work was for someone else - not for me. the thing i realized today is that that isn't good enough. i mean - i'm not saying that i am going to do substantial development work. but what i think that i want to realize is that, for me, that decision is a choice. if i was a different person - someone who hadn't gone to university - someone from a lower-income background where i wasn't expected to and right now i would married and living in a rented house in a town of 10,000 while my husband worked in a factory that would be a completely respectful life - and it never would have occured to that me to go to africa/india/asia and work with an ngo, work with the un. work on the ground.

the thing is - that's not me. me is an upper-middle class white girl, from a multi-cultural city - the product of the (okay - one of the) best universities in Canada - who chooses to remain largely unaware and ignorant of what goes on in the world. who chooses not to send 10% of my paycheck to steven lewis, who chooses not take time off from her precious life and do something. help someone.

there are many reasons why i do not want to be "in the feild" somewhere. i don't like hot, i don't like bugs, i like showering everyday. i like the north american/european lifestyle to which i am accustomed. and it is a lot to ask of a person to put other people (and by other people we mean strangers, not one's family) ahead of oneself. even for a small amount of time. this is very difficult for people to do. in our society no one really has to do that. (maybe some medical professionals, the police - but that is your job - whereas moving to africa would be your life).

but the thing is - it should NOT be a lot to ask. if someone is lucky enough to enjoy 80 years of food, sheltar, television, and climate control - if it really so much to ask that they take 6months and try to improve the lives of people for whom food is something which happens every other day, sheltar is temporary, television is.... ? and climate control is light coloured clothing?

the other thing is - what could i do? i have no skills. i speak..... english. i obviously don't know very much about this - and in many respects that's just another reason which i am giving to myself as to why i am not "there".

this is not something which i am going to work through in the next several days - i don't know why i feel this overwhleming amount of pressure to create my life. i am still young. it's not like i am planning to have kids at 28 so i better be ready by then or anything. it's not like i'm planning to die? hell - if i was planning to die i probably wouldn't be so concerned with what to do in the next year or two.

so far i have never felt that i was making decisions about my life at the expense of living it - if anything the opposite. and i think starting now would be very stupid. the problem is that it's not like it's as simple as choosing life decisions column A and life decisions column B. wtf is an experience anyways?

i want instant results in a world where that is not possible.

Dawson's theme song:

I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

my resolution for tonight is to try to do more of the little things in life - because when i do them i enjoy them - and maybe that will relax me enough that i will actually be able to acomplish schoolwork - because i cannot make decisions about what i am interested in without knowledge of my choices.

as a final note - i think we can appreciate the irony of me agonizing over what choices to make in order that i can make the most of my life - when over half of the world wakes up in the morning wishing that they had the luxury of that choice.

prettiness

how pretty is that?

okay. this is my final picture posting of the day. i think that it is super pretty. i realize that victoria is very pretty - but it's not this pretty. how pretty!

KWAK!!

kwak - the world's most fabulous beer glass

i have not yet grown tired of posting pictures. so here is another one. i own this beer glass. how cool is that? to each his own - to each beer its own glass that is. i am so not funny.

city centre

Belfast City Hall

sunday at school

it is noontime and i am at school - having retrieved my hegel text i am doing a bit of reading here before heading off. this is my blog break!! wow. what kind of life do i lead if "blog break" is worth of exclamation marks. this morning i made my own chai latte and took it to school in my travel mug. it makes me feel very special making my own chai lattes. because i need yet another very expensive habit. although a box of chai is less than the price of two coffee-shop purchased chai lattes. so perhaps i'm being economical? an unlikely perhaps, but a perhaps none-the-less.

i'm obsessed

okay - so i've officially becomes obsessed with my blog and the blogs of those around me. this is not cool. i mean - clearly it is not cool in the sunglasses and converitable sense of the word - it is also not cool because i don't need more distractions in my life.

speaking of - this two days without t.v. thing is disturbingly difficult for me. i think i have learned a valuable lesson about television dependence. tomorrow morning i am going to leave my house very early and go to school because - genius that i am- i left my copy of hegel in the grad office. so i am going to have to not watch five hours of coronation street tomorrow morning.

i'm also in the process of making major medium-term life decisions.

oh right - the reason for this post is because in the last four hours 8 people viewed my blog. that's maddness!!! however, my excitement is tempered by the fact that most - if not all - were blog-spammers - and so they are simply using me and brilliant ideas as a cog in the proliferation of capatilaism.

speaking of brilliant ideas - here is my metaphor of the day:
like a small child with crayola scissors who has not yet discovered that they cannot acutally cut anything.

that was deep. is it any suprise that i have problems.

nice

okay okay - so i have like four pictures which i like. whatever - i will continue to like them and to subject everyone else to them (when everyone else means like two other people)

and not to worry - it is more than likely that the novelty of posting pictures will wear off soon. either that or i will take more pictures that are not two years out of date and post those.

RENT!!

okay - i put zuccinni in my stir fry - excellent idea. it was part of the "hmmm... maybe i should eat vegtables" moment of the weekend. though it backfired in that now there is too much food and i can't eat it all.

i am listening the the rent soundtrack. it is coming out as a movie. Jesse L. Martin (who was in the original broadway production) is in it as Collins. That was why he got shot on Law and Order - so that he could be off the show for long enough to film the movie. it stars mainly the people from the original broadway cast. which is weird b/c they are 10 years too old - but also excellent b/c that's how it should be. it's a movie. we suspend imagination. Det. Green causing civil disobeidence - cool!

today i was searching blogs from victoria (looking for mine) and i came across someone i know. that was weird. so then i read a little bit - but because i know her (not well - but we chat) i felt that it was weird to be reading her blog with her knowing in a kind of strange voyeur sort of way. so i will tell her i found it accidently and then she will (probably) tell me i can read it if i want.

not being addicted to herion makes me happy. (rent) i love rent. i think the best part though - is that there are definetly words in the lyrics that I did not know what i meant when i was 15 which i have sinced learned. oh sheltered anglo gifty childhood.

maybe i will now experiment with my new chai stuff. i need to buy a mug. a good, big, comfy mug. a mug which provide me with emotional fulfilment. fill the dark, gaping void in the middle of soul. okay - so maybe no such void exists, but still. i want a mug!

knitting and brie

okay
so i went and checked out the oak leaves bazar. i must say i was expecting more. there were lots of knitted clothing for children, and i looked to see if i could find a knitted outfit for a cat so i could send it to rayne - but alas - no luck.

things that bug me: buying brie at a grocery store. i want to buy a single-serving of brie. like an amount that will last me two days and cost me under $2. not a large amount which costs $5 and is party size. i have learned a valuable lesson. don't try to buy brie at grocery's stores. even if they are cute, local grocery stores.

for alex and about Hegel

this post is for alex. she said i should post more. apparently, like me, she thinks everyone should post at least a half dozen times a day in order to keep their friends entertained. if only. it is almost noon and i have done no schoolwork today. but i did take a walk and talk to alex and england on the phone. that's at least something.

I have to read more Hegel today. Hegel Hegel Hegel. Marsha Marsha Mastha. i am not going to watch t.v. until grey's anatomy tomorrow night. so that should give me lots of time to do work. in theory. today is the oak bay old people's fair. i wanted to go to that. i don't really know where it is or at what time it ends - perhaps i should look into that. i should also do dishes. and read HEGEL!!

varenna

i could never hope to stumble across anywhere more perfect.


to quote amy's irish friend from lyon's travel philosophy adopted by me as my life philosophy "you never see anything you weren't supposed to see". you never meet someone you weren't supposed to meet. you never go anywehre you weren't supposed to go. so why not see as much as possible?

(un)deep thoughts

i thought i was doing a pretty good job at my new life philosophies, including specifically not freaking out and not being obsessive. apparently i have failed. however - i would like to state categorically that it is not my fault and that my failures are the responsibility of others.

however, i will continue to need and rely on people, even if they say things which cause me to become emotionally unhinged through no fault of their own. i guess an irrational reaction to something someone says has more to do with me than them. hmmmm... so are you saying i should work on me? no. clearly i am perfect. my irrational responses are completely justified (isn't justified the defintion of irrational?)

i think i will take a year and move to belfast and work. i think that's an excellent plan.

sometime btw. procrastinating and er.

i need to read jeffery stout for tomorrow. religious studies. but related to poli theory. i should care more and be reading it. and yet somehow i feel that i will end up watching e.r. maybe i'll read one article tomorrow morning and fake it.

i bought chai latte making stuff today. i've never done that before. i'm excited. i don't know if it will any good. it's an experiment. all in the name of science. SCIENCE!!! i posted a funny science joke on alex's blog. it wasn't really that funny. objectively. i thought it was hillarious.

tuesday night.

listening to the streets.

emailing.

waiting.

i have a new favourite quote from see above. it goes along the lines of "i can barely remember my opinions without remembering the reasons for them"

i don't feel that this relates directly to my life like the brilliant grey's antomy's quote from my previous blog post. but this one is definetly amusing.

i wish i talked in british words. but i don't. and it is super unlikely that i ever will. though it would def. be something i would want to be able to turn on and off.

also - donna haraway deserves way more credit than i originally gave her credit for. it's good stuff haraway.

"you met a fictional character?"

corner gas is the greatest show ever. we should all watch it all the time. corner gas is referencing "the littlest hobo!" ohmigd it doesn't get any better than this!! i love canada!!

i also love deborah and julie and the parlour at close when the play the littlest hobo song. yay for exporting our culture!!

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I'll always be
Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.
Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.
So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light - that's hobo style.

finding a moment.

it is a rainy monday morning. i am sitting on my couch. listening to sarah mchlachan. i just finished my hazelnut latte - nonfat, extra hot. it was raining when i went to the coffee store. i like rain. i like being wet while staying dry. i am going to do some work soon. i wish life were as simple as finding a perfect moment and wrapping yourself up inside it - staying warm and safe - never having to emerge.

the problem with that - aside from the obvious - is that maybe that perfect moment is not as wonderful as the perfect moments yet to come. when do you know - how do you tell - the most perfect moment of your life? how do you know who the perfect person is to share your life with? or do you just choose the moment and try to make it work. or deny yourself the opportunity to create a more perfect moment.

last night in the voice over at the end of the show meredith said "pretend is a cage, not a cacoon". t.v. might not have all the answers - but i thought that was a pretty good start.

names

shmichael!!

what about the name rosie for a girl. now i know at first it sounds daft, but if you think about it for a while i think it starts to grow on you.

or maybe a pet. i think it would definetly be a good name for a pet. Donna Haraway has a dog named Sojornor Truth which I think is fabulous. I bought some soup for lunch.

gramaphonic machine

it is 11 at night and i am listening to bbc radio 4. and i am happy to be doing it. i have 10 pages of hegel to read still. tomorrow i must do more work.

i keep trying to do laundry - but the people keep always having laundry in the laundry machine. this makes it very difficult of me to wash things. i need to wash my sheet and my whites and my socks. i also need to buy more socks. that is very important. maybe on monday i will go downtown and buy socks.

there is going to be a general strike on monday. i don't like that. i don't know what that means for me and teaching my tutorials. well - i mean i know that i can't hold them - so i don't know what i don't know - but i've never had to participate in a strike before.

i am very excited because some of my shows that used to be on radio 4 are now on radio 7 so i didn't think that they were still on - but they are! so i can listen to them. they are comedy shows. so i can laugh.

i love to laugh - hahahahahaha
loud and long and clear
i love to laugh
so everybody can hear
the more i laugh - hahahahahaha
the more i'm filled with glee
the more the glee -hahahahahaha
the more i'm a merrier me

mary poppins.

i'm not actually laughing. well - maybe not laughing like that. but it still makes me happy :)

brittney spears

do think i should be concerned that i am 22 and i have yet to achieve even a small amount of what brittney spears has achieved in by the time she was 17? Though in fairness she is probably one of the most famous and successful young person of my generation. hmmmmm... that raises an interesting point - what does this really say about my generation. is it my generation i should be blaming or the generation above me? below me? in the sixties i think people knew that what was going on mattered. yeah - it was crazy hippy music/writing/parties etc. but something was going on. what is going on now? we have naomi klein - though i don't know if she is really my generation. green day has their any war videos. but what else?

if i were brittney spears i would think/hope that i would be able to do something with my celebrity. but this isn't really applicable for two reasons. the first is clearly that i can't sing and don't look like the barbie next door (i only wish). the second is that even if brittney were a genius (or me as brittney - this of course implies that i am a genius) and she attempted to furthur some sort of political agenda she wouldn't be where she was now. people don't like controversy - they don't like opinions - they like pretty girls and easy answers (or alternately easy girls - but that might be the subject for another post).

sunday morning

sunday morning -

i'm watcihng coronation street while eating breakfast while thinking about starting my work shortly. I'm a little concerned with posting after reading Alex's blog. my thoughts seem rather pedestrian and uninspired by comparrison. my thoughts revolve around how my life is like coronation street, or why i want it to be more like coronation street (including why i love tyrone - see coronation street). it could also be because it's just past 9 o'clock in the morning. though i slept for 10 hours last night so i can't really make an arugment that it's too early because early is clearly relative.

emails and people

i got emails from tara and amy today. tara was kind enough to update me on B. she always so thoughtful that way. pretty woman is on tv now. i don't think that i'm going to start considering prostitution as a future occupation any time soon. i'm thinking maybe.... ?? okay. i think maybe i'll stop thinking. i'm good at that. maybe i should start posting when in a positive mood.

i've had some thoughts today. the first thought is that i really like jacob hoggard. the second is that i watch too much tv. the third is that if i stop watching too much tv i might actually be able to pull this whole school thing off. also - chico is the world's greatest cat.