my proudest moment (or winning a contest based on gluttony)

today i had a very proud moment.

i was on my way to starbucks this morning to buy myself a coffee - when what did i stumble across but a hot dog eating contest!

now normally i tend to shy away from such things - but whether it was the crisp winter air or the crowds of excited townsfolk - i was drawn into the maddness. then - suddenly - tradegy struck. one of the competitors had overdosed on the performance enhancing drugs which she was taking in advance of this contest. where would they find someone to replace her on such short notice?

seeing my moment i stepped up - threw my hat into the ring - clearly - this was god telling me that today was the today i was supposed to win my first hot dog eating contest.

as i nervously approached the stage i was deaf to the cheers and jeers of the crowd, but only thought was on my final goal - the twenty hotdogs on the plate in front of me. twenty weiners in twenty buns - could i do it?

the competition was fierce. little jimmy was the crowd's sentimental favourite, but at six years old no one expected much. to his right was karl. a grade 12 student and the reigning champ. last year finishing his dogs in only 7minutes, 16 seconds. his eyes were like steel, and the only sign that he had been the Santa yesterday at the local elementary school was his big belly that moved when he laughed that a great bowl of jelly. but whereas for small children his giant belly was a source of amusement - for me - it was a reminder of his years of success in hot dog eating contests. Next was Father Mike. A priest for 35 years, he had god and years of celibacy and letting his figure go on his side. Second last was Kelly Clarkson. No. Not that one. A local celebrity, she had won the vancouver island triatholon the past five years. she was a triathlete to combat her veracious appitite and love of eating. Karl had narrowly beat her for the title last year and she was hungary for hot dogs and revenge. the good money was on her.

then there was me. the unknown. what chance did i have against this all star field?

the shot rang out - it was time to begin.

i grapped the first hot dog, then the second. hot dog after hot dog i ate, focusing on the task at hand, but not deaf to the shouts around me. little jimmy got bored and wandered off halfway through hot dog number one - no real surprise there. So it was down to four. After about the 12th hot dog and around the 4 minute mark i started to feel a little sick. a little queasy. like maybe eating 20hot dogs was not such a good idea after all. Then i saw something out of the corner of my eye... it was karl. something was happening. he was chocking!! the paramedics quickly came to the rescue - but with him out of the way i had a shot - i had to keep going.

by hot dog 16 i was ahead of father mike and one behind kelly clarkson. how could i make up a whole hot dog in 2 1/2 minutes. the pace had slown considerably by then - i think we were all getting a little tired. that's when it happened! Kelly Clarkson made a rookie mistake. All of her triathlon training must had blocked out of her mind cardinal rule number two of hot dog eating contests - NEVER drink water. the combination of white bread, water, and various animal entrails which occurs inside the stomach can be fatal. all of sudden i watched as kelly clarkson lurched upwards, and stumbled away from the table as i shoved hot dog 18 into my mouth. Father Mike had slowed still more - this was it - my moment. i could here the crowd with me. 19! they cheered. and the roar of the crowd did not die down until after i had swallowed the last bit of that 20th hot dog.

The town mayor placed a gold medal around my neck and miss teen victoria presented me with a boquet of flowers. onlookers and wellwishers threw roses and teddy bears onto the stage. My final time was 7minutes 21 seconds. So in the end I did not break the record. however i'll have another chance. i was invited back next year.

and that - my friends - is my proudest moment.