d.s. and FTM

okay. so school is done. pretty much. which is good. well just done for now. it will start again soon. it never really goes away.

last night i went to safari with d.s. and j.l and a.h. it was fine. nothing too exciting. seriously - i think that d.s. and i should only ever talk on the phone. i think that that's it what is required to make our relationship (which i enjoy) work. b/c otherwise i don't enjoy it. anyways....

today his parents are having a christmas party which i am invited to. apparently L. is going to I will try to call him and hopefully hang out with him tonite... we'll see.

if i had a childhood friend who turned out to be gay - i would be totally okay with that. i can't imagine not be. but what if i had a childhood friend who decided to change gender. if little jane became big john. or something like that. i mean - obviously i would like to think that i would be totally okay with that - but do you ever really know? i guess it also depends on who the person is. because you would have had to be close enough that you're not just like "random, cool!). if you heard a childhood friend was getting married, you would be happy for them. well this is at least as significant a life change, but i don't think most people would have that immidiate "happy" reaction. it would be more reserved. even uncertain. do people have "so i'm a man now!" parties? do you give gifts of powertools and boxer shorts? does hallmark make a card for this sort of thing?

the simple life

why can't life be simple.

i think that i would like to be a peanuts character (charlie brown comics) or a dawson's creek character. here is my reasoning. i like drama. i like having deep philosphical converstaions about life while making intense decisions and feeling as though i'm living in some sort of existential soap oprea. however - now stuff kinda matters. it matters in a way it doesn't when you are 8 or 15. so then i was thinking. when does it start mattering less again. i mean - life can't get more important (as it were) the older it gets. i mean - at some point can't we start making bad, angst-ridden decisions again? dr. sheppard moved from new york to seattle to live in a trailor. that seems pretty dawson's creek of him. or maybe my decisions don't really matter now. maybe when you're in a place everything seems so important - but once you move on you realize that it's not. what does that mean? is everything relative? or can you look back at your life and be like "this is a time when my decisions mattered a lot" but "this was not" and why can't you know when those times are.

or is all my existential aganst my not wanting to write me paper and me being concerned with fucking up school. maybe - just maybe....

home (sweet?) home

okay.

back in toronto. centre of the universe. well - the canadian universe. tonight were the english language debates. i don't really care. nothing will change - what does it matter? we need a leader with vision. preferably a centre-left leader with vision - but man.

also - parents. esp. mothers. totally a mixed blessing. (exhale slowly). for the most part - fabulous. but sometimes... (exhale slowly)

aes: i was thinking about it. and i think that it's okay to remake movies that are classic stories. because there are narratives in human history which are told time and time again for a reason. classic stories. with jungian archtypes etc. but movies that are not very good to begin with... i understand your point about why remake them? - when there are so many other new projects to take on.

also - Christmas with D. was amazing. this is because D. is amazing. and it's all i can do to not write paragraphs on this subject - because i get so excited that i just want to go on and on - but i will spare all of you those details - at least in this medium - and for now keep all of my wonderful thoughts in my own head to make me happy.

did i mention i'm supposed to be writing a 25page paper. yeah....

thank you guys.

everyone's comments after my last post (and since only 3 people comment - really - everyone's comments) made me feel so much better. your well wishes and my advil make the pain just seem to disappear.

also - at the moment my apartment is set to 19degrees. However - in reality it is a balmy 28. that's like a beach in mexico hot. i guess it's better than if the apartment were like 12.... but my god. i accidently touched the radiator and i think i acquired second degree burns.

okay. day beginning....

now.

i feel a little better now.

i'm talking to my mom on the phone. she thinks the doctor misdiagonsed me. then she asked me a bunch of questions to make sure i wasn't having a stroke. talking to her was really really nice. and my eggnog chai was really nice. and i bought devin a little plane gift - which made me happy. it's funny. you know something's going on when retail therapy becomes about someone besides yourself.

apparently i should get the marking key by 11pm tonight - so i don't know if i should start now or not - i don't even have the stupid exam questions. sigh. i'm just feeling really emotional right now. i could definetly cry - but it wouldn't be for any reason - just as an emotional release. i think i need a) a big hug and b) to go into a sensory deprivation tank. or the big black bag that dustin hoffman puts jason swartzman into in i heart huckabees.

good day/bad day (or fortunetly/unfortunetly)

Bad Day
1) the shooting pain in my neck at the moment. oh wait. that's my fault for thinking i could move it. maybe i'll just break down and start with the advil. and i so thought it was getting better.
2) not having a freakin' marking key!!
2a) having to mark tomorrow.
3) the possibility of having to start christmas late tomorrow because i don't have a stupid marking key.
4) my father's complete lack of sympathy for all of the above

Good Day
1) mailing the second half of my christmas cards.
2) cleaning/laundry/being house productive.
2a) speaking of house - it's guest starring cynthia nixon tonight.
3) my paper. stressful but enjoyable.
4) talking to D.
5) getting mail from lindi! (okay - so that was yesterday - but i'm still happy about it today so i'm still counting it).

UNCONTROLABLE SPASMING

okay.

so i broke my head. don't laugh. it's true. well. the top of my neck muscles which are at head level. as i recall it's called torticollis (this is a result of my googling my symptoms and trying to remember the word the doctor said. and no - not the congenital one that you are born with - the temporary one.) It is the constant, uncontrollable spasming of my neck muscles which sevrely limits my neck movement and makes it very difficult to sleep. UNCONTROLABLE SPASMING.

yeah. so now i have an official reason that i am in pain and reason to complain and demand necks rubs. it's been three days and it still totally hurts. make it stop!

grey's anatomy quotes - christmas episode

christina "i haven't observed religious holidays since i was old enough to know better"

meredith - what if it were you?
christina - it wouldn't be.
meredith - but what if it were you?
christina - it wouldn't be.

addison "am i invisible. i'm feeling strangely invisible. and also inaudiable."

dr. burke "the way you're feeling right now. that's why i believe in something bigger than me. because if i didn't that feeling of powerlessness would eat me alive"

izzy "(yelling) because it's what jesus would freaking do!!"

derek "i love her. just because i decided to stay with you doesn't change that."

7:30 in the p.m.

okay.

i am done assignment which i wanted to get done today. tomorrow a quick edit and hand in.

tonight more reading and grey's anatomy. it is 7:30. soon i will start making dinner. i think that i might try to cook something. i've been unfortunetly inspired. must. stop. blogging.

starbucks and love

i love devin. love.

why you ask. he just showed up at my door with starbucks. and not any starbucks. eggnog latte starbucks. i am so happy that i want to do schoolwork. i didn't know that it was a potential outcome of happiness but it is. happy happy happy. happy.

(see now that devin is reading this i worry that i shouldn't use the word love with quite so much frequency. but seeing as i'm not suppoesd to "censor myself" i trust that he knows what i mean.)

Life's a Beach

Burning all the photos, sorting through the clothes
You bought this new for me and now it's full of holes
Remember babytalk in the morning
What's the hurry my girl?
You don't need any coffee if you take the day off school
We're all over and I'm all over town
We've got work here tearing it down
You know it's quicker packing for a holiday
'Cause I'd see these things again
I loved you in this T-shirt of mine
You can have it - it say's "Life's a Beach"
There's a beach umbrella, couple lying in the sun
And for once in my life it's not the people from the suburbs
It's me's got it wrong
On through the evening and into the dawn
Journey me, journey me
where love keeps on
Burning all the photos, they have a habit of mocking a single man
I'm keeping the first one, we're not even holding hands
We're all over and I'm all over town
We've got work here tearing it down
There's a beach umbrella, couple lying in the sun
And for once in my life it's not the people from the suburbs
It's me's got it wrong

The Whitlams.

lunchtime

wow. look at me. once again. the posting queen.

right now i am eating a humus sandwich. the humus was made by a man named eugene. it's called eugene's humus. it is amazing. it was the most expensive humus in the store - and now i see why. because it is incredible. do you know who else is incredible? okay. yes. by now i'm sure you all do. (but in case you forget - D is incrediable!!)

ohmigd - what else is incrediable. the whitlams. fuck. they are amazing. i don't listen to the album for like a month - then i listen to it - and after five years it is still amazing. probably my favourite album. (eternal nightcap - the version released in canada - which has a couple track differences from the original releaesd in australia).

the sun is shining. the c.d. player is singing. life is good man. life is good.

and tonight is grey's anatomy. this is the life!

p.s. i am aware that i constantly mispell incrediable. but what can you do?

my dream from last night

okay. here is my dream.

aes and i were going to go to a movie, but in order to do so we had to ditch a.j., b.p., and s.b. and then we were all going to meet up later downtown.

but then there was a problem and we couldn't see the movie. so we were going to take the bus to D.'s house and have him drive us downtown. and then we somehow met up with a.j., b.p. and s.b. and we all ran together to catch the bus. so then we were all taking the bus to D.'s. so i'm all worried that we are going to miss his stop, aes is pissed off because now that everyone is there she wants to drive her own car and not be on the bus, and i'm freaking out b/c aes is all upset and b/c D. doesn't know we are coming, plus now that there are five of us, we won't all fit into his car.

a second part of the same dream involved me running through a train station with my sister - we had to catch a train on the 3rd level and there were three groups of us running for it. and she kept stopping and like fixing her clothes and asking random people for fashion advice and i was about ready to kill her. we totally missed at least one train. but i don't really remember the rest.

okay. so apparently i am now having anxiety dreams about my friends, family, D. and transportation. i'll never be able to function normally in society again. (this of course suggests that i once had that capacity....)

good morning world

mmmm... morning.

so my alarm didn't go off at 7 and i got up at 8:30. i slept really well last night.

then i got up and went for a walk to the ocean. well - to oak bay which then becomes the pacific ocean. the i went to starbucks for some chai, then the bread store for a cinnamon bun and some bread. i also bought really yummy humus for lunch. right now i am sitting on my couch listening to the garden state soundtrack with the aforementioned purchased breakfast

last night i wrote about 1/2 of my final assignment (not of my final 25page paper) so hopefully i will finish up a draft of that this morning and print/edit submit it on monday.

then i will spend the rest of the making notes for mr. 25pager.

also my apartment is currently 26 degrees celcius. i don't know if it's the furnace that is crazy or the people upstairs b/c my themostat is set to 19. (whichever is set higher is the temp the furnace heats to). my door and window are both open - so hopefully at least i will be able to do work without changing into shorts.

i love zach braff. love. and i think that if he knew me he would love me too. yeah. in fact - maybe i should go to l.a. find him, introduce myself. or maybe follow him around a bit first, find out what he likes, where he goes, who is friends are, pitch a tent outside his house, buy a telescopic camera lens.... you'll all come visit me in jail, right? right?!?!?

i'm only kidding. my stalking budget is already maxed out on D. that van that's been parked outside his best friends house in calgary for the past week - not really delivering flowers...

"as long as the river still runs to the sea, hey lucky you, lucky me, hey lucky you, lucky me" GBS

i spent last night with D.

every minute of it was amazing. when he's not here i think that it all must be some wonderful dream - that's the only possiblity for something that is this good - if it's too good to be true then it probably is sort of thing.

but then i see him and it's real. and it's amazing.

my proudest moment (or winning a contest based on gluttony)

today i had a very proud moment.

i was on my way to starbucks this morning to buy myself a coffee - when what did i stumble across but a hot dog eating contest!

now normally i tend to shy away from such things - but whether it was the crisp winter air or the crowds of excited townsfolk - i was drawn into the maddness. then - suddenly - tradegy struck. one of the competitors had overdosed on the performance enhancing drugs which she was taking in advance of this contest. where would they find someone to replace her on such short notice?

seeing my moment i stepped up - threw my hat into the ring - clearly - this was god telling me that today was the today i was supposed to win my first hot dog eating contest.

as i nervously approached the stage i was deaf to the cheers and jeers of the crowd, but only thought was on my final goal - the twenty hotdogs on the plate in front of me. twenty weiners in twenty buns - could i do it?

the competition was fierce. little jimmy was the crowd's sentimental favourite, but at six years old no one expected much. to his right was karl. a grade 12 student and the reigning champ. last year finishing his dogs in only 7minutes, 16 seconds. his eyes were like steel, and the only sign that he had been the Santa yesterday at the local elementary school was his big belly that moved when he laughed that a great bowl of jelly. but whereas for small children his giant belly was a source of amusement - for me - it was a reminder of his years of success in hot dog eating contests. Next was Father Mike. A priest for 35 years, he had god and years of celibacy and letting his figure go on his side. Second last was Kelly Clarkson. No. Not that one. A local celebrity, she had won the vancouver island triatholon the past five years. she was a triathlete to combat her veracious appitite and love of eating. Karl had narrowly beat her for the title last year and she was hungary for hot dogs and revenge. the good money was on her.

then there was me. the unknown. what chance did i have against this all star field?

the shot rang out - it was time to begin.

i grapped the first hot dog, then the second. hot dog after hot dog i ate, focusing on the task at hand, but not deaf to the shouts around me. little jimmy got bored and wandered off halfway through hot dog number one - no real surprise there. So it was down to four. After about the 12th hot dog and around the 4 minute mark i started to feel a little sick. a little queasy. like maybe eating 20hot dogs was not such a good idea after all. Then i saw something out of the corner of my eye... it was karl. something was happening. he was chocking!! the paramedics quickly came to the rescue - but with him out of the way i had a shot - i had to keep going.

by hot dog 16 i was ahead of father mike and one behind kelly clarkson. how could i make up a whole hot dog in 2 1/2 minutes. the pace had slown considerably by then - i think we were all getting a little tired. that's when it happened! Kelly Clarkson made a rookie mistake. All of her triathlon training must had blocked out of her mind cardinal rule number two of hot dog eating contests - NEVER drink water. the combination of white bread, water, and various animal entrails which occurs inside the stomach can be fatal. all of sudden i watched as kelly clarkson lurched upwards, and stumbled away from the table as i shoved hot dog 18 into my mouth. Father Mike had slowed still more - this was it - my moment. i could here the crowd with me. 19! they cheered. and the roar of the crowd did not die down until after i had swallowed the last bit of that 20th hot dog.

The town mayor placed a gold medal around my neck and miss teen victoria presented me with a boquet of flowers. onlookers and wellwishers threw roses and teddy bears onto the stage. My final time was 7minutes 21 seconds. So in the end I did not break the record. however i'll have another chance. i was invited back next year.

and that - my friends - is my proudest moment.

in the politics grad office

today D. came to visit me in the politics office. that was fun. a combination of my two loves. except that at the moment i hate politics. oh well. any moment that will change. any moment....

now i'm just waiting for the whole freakin' department to come back from lunch so i can give a copy of the first year exam back to the prof - so i can go home and have lunch and then go out for dinner with D. tonight!!

some thoughts on boys and friends and the holiday season

today i was on the bus coming back from school. and guess who got on the bus? that's right. W. guess who got on the bus and completely ignored me. sitting in a diagonal in his seat staring intently at his book. that's right. W. again. i mean c'mon - i know like what? 4 people in Victoria? and now one of them is ignoring me!??!??!

it's not even like we ever broke up - we just never arranged another date after our last one. point being - i thought the ignorning was totally out of line. in fairness - i suppose i could have said something - i just didn't want to deal with it - and so maybe he didn't either.... sigh.

also - i might be neglecting my dear blog a bit between D. and school - however - at heart i am in no way neglecting my (two) loyal blog readers. as aes already knows i talk to devin about her all the time - and last just last night i told D. how excited i was that i would get to see mpom when i got back to toronto and celebrate her CHAMPANGE birthday (i then had to explain to him what that was..). I thought of a present i wanted to buy you - but then i went to the store and i only imagined that what i wanted to buy you actually existed - and since it is not real - that made it a bit tricky to buy. so i hoping that inspiration strikes again - and that this time it strikes me with something that actually exists.

D. bought the rest of my Christmas present today. i am so excited!! liz is happy.

devin's christmas gift

i gave devin my blog address. this is because i'm crazy. so this is where the xmas present post used to be... so that devin can read the blog w/o finding out about the awesome new computer i bought him for christmas!! (right.... first i need to buy myself a new computer). okay. that's it for now. xoxo L.

on second thought...

so yeah.

baileys and milk = good
baileys and eggnog = blah!!
also lowfat eggnog = blah!!

how does starbucks do it? magic!

friday night.

in a single girl's life there are three important firsts:

the first time you have sex
the first time you have good sex
the first time you see his apartment

three was good. i'm still excited for one and two.

i'm thinking about mixing bailey's and eggnog.

i think it sounds yummy....

last night devin and i went to see RENT. the movie was fun. very good. i wish i had seen it on stage. that would have been cool. very super cool. it's okay though.

speaking of movies... memoirs of a giesha is coming out. as a movie. the ads say "based on the unforgettable bestseller..." well let me tell you... i read it, and i don't remember a SINGLE THING!! so either it wasn't really that unforgettable or i just have problems with forgetting.... either way.

final thought. Devin is really amazing. really wonderful. really fabulous. like wow. or in the words of mya "like woah!"