me this very moment

I think I am sick. In fact, by this point, I am pretty postive I am sick. I haven't had a cold in a couple of years, and hopefully it won't ever get really bad and it will pass quickly. I bought orange juice in the hopes that that would help. But unfortunetly it does not appear that chocolate has medicinal properties where viruses are concerned.

And then - last week the girl at Starbucks told me that the Christmas drinks were coming out on Wednesday, but apparently they are coming out NEXT wednesday. Grrr.... !! All I want is an eggnog latte. Well - that's not all - but it would be a nice start :)

me and other people

Last nite I went out for halloween and I had a really fun time. I went dressed as a person from an ipod commercial (black pants, long sleeved, high necked black shirt and my ipod). I posed and did funny ipod dances, and everyone thought it was clever.

Something I noticed about myself last night, is that when I am at a party (or whatever), I perfer talking to people I don't know rather than people I do. I am more relaxed talking to people I will never see again, and I am far more witty and charming with people I never have to see again. I think because I feel less pressure to perform and I am less worried about other peole judging me. So maybe I should relax and start talking to people I will encounter more than once in my life.

Thinking Thoughts.

1) I really like waking up on my own, and not to the sound of an alarm clock.
2) Felicity (on tv) had the same bedding as me this morning. That made me feel special. For a minute. Then I felt sad that it made me feel special. Because so do thousands of other people who bought that bedding from Ikea.
3) High Heels: can you walk quickly in them? I definetly walk a little slower than normal when I wear heels (though I do tend to be a fast walker) - but I don't wear them everyday. Are people who wear them everyday able to walk at a normal speed?
4) I think little girls are cuter than little boys. On average, kids are equally cute until about 5, but then I think girls keep being cute, but boys... Although maybe having been a girl myself, I'm biased.

shopping

Today I bought:
1 Candle: $5
2 Daisy Magnets: ($1.30)
2 glasses: ($3.30)

Total: $11

Today what I wanted to buy:
1 Pair Timberland Boots: $200
1 Pair Brown Shoes: $190
1 Black Jacket: $150
1 Silver Necklace: $110
1 Jacob Black Skirt: $65

Total: $715

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, you need money.

this is crazy. I need to stop. but seriously, how does it always know?

You Are 23 Years Old

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

What Age Do You Act?

I like this one!

Your Kissing Purity Score: 37% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Celtic Horoscope

You Are An Apple Tree

You are quiet and shy at times, but you have lots of charm and appeal. You are quite attractive: your pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, and adventurous spirit draw people in. Sensitive and loyal in love, you want to love and be loved. You are a faithful and tender partner - who is generous in sharing your many talents. You love children, and you need an affectionate partner.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

on making new friends

When I lived in Kingston, I used to get out to see some live music every couple weeks at least, granted it wasn't ususally paraticularly cutting edge, we're talking Irish music and cover bands, but since moving to Victoria I think I've seen live music maybe three times? Luckily for me, things seem to be looking up, this Satuday I went with some people from my program (my new friends?) to see an all girl folk band called the Gruff at their c.d. release party and kick-off to their Canadian tour. They were pretty good, they had a couple songs that had more of a rock feel to them that I esp. liked. And I met a couple really interesting people (and of course any time I meet anyone interesting I immeidately feel super uninteresting and inarticulate, but I digress).

And tonight I called someone I know the opening of the conversation went as follows:
"Hi Anna, it's Liz calling, your friend from the bus"
"...oh hi! I'm so glad you called!"

And she geniunely was. So not only do I have a new friend, I have also been invited to 2 Halloween parties this Saturday. Two!! (This is a really big deal considering the number of people I knew in Victoria this time last year). Sadly, I'm not really a Halloween person, and I am not at all looking forward to dressing up, but I have a pretty simple, yet original costume in mind, and maybe I will be able to convince my boyfriend (who is amazing) to come with me.

Also, of late I have been extremely tired. And I am very much a sleep-person, so when I am tired, I mean I could be sleeping 12 hours a day. So today I did two things I should have two weeks ago - I took my iron and went to the gym. I am hoping a continued combination of those two things will ensure that my standard 9 hours a day will suffice.

on growing up

It is Saturday morning. I am reading the Globe and Mail online and watching Felicity and it just occured to me how much older I feel than I did when I started first year. It also just occured to me that that was five years ago. And I would like to think that 18 year old me would be reassured to see the 23 year old me. All the fear and insecurity that comes with being 18, alone for the first time, trying to navigate the complex world of friendships, relationships, partying, school etc. And not that I have since mastered all those things, but I no longer worry nearly so much. Though I think at some point I will miss the drama and excitment which comes from being young and always having the promise of the next adventure around the corner. I think that the key is to keep up the ideal of adventure as an adult (this becomes infinitely more complicated when you have children, I'm sure). In conclusion, even if I haven't done it perfectly, I think that maybe I like this growing up business.

early morning: reflections on waking up before 7am

1) I am blogging a lot lately.
2) The best thing about finishing my shower before 7am is that I get to watch the last 10 minutes of Dawson's while I have my breakfast. Oh Katie Holmes, you used to be normal.
3) Lloyd Eisner has been suspended from coaching for sending inappropriate emails to a student. Seriously, if you want to harass someone don't do it online, there will always be evidence!! Or try not to be completely inappropriate and abuse your position of power. Either way.
4) Reason #57 why I don't like the government of Stephen Harper: Kicking Garth Turner out of caucus? He is such a nice, funny little man, who I used to watch (okay see) on t.v. It's called technology, and Turner is using it how it was meant to be used, you should SUPPORT this, not condemn him. On the plus side, there are rumours that Turner will sit as a member of the Green Party - how cool would that be??!?!

Fields of Gold

This weeks Studio Sixty featured a live performance by Sting. I have no idea if it was the song, or the storyline, or the dialogue, or my horomones, but I was really affected by it. It stirred all these emotions within me, and yet made me feel so calm and safe. Which is why I have decided to post the lyrics.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold
So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley?
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

good thing/bad thing

bad thing: having a bad day
good thing: knowing that that means tomorrow will be better

bad thing: having a bad day
bad thing: knowing that the next day wil be exactly the same, and the same again after that, and not being able to figure out how to change things
good thing: faith that sometimes things just change themselves/that you change even if you're not exactly sure when or how

Things I like:

Gel Gems
Coronation Street
Tea
Martha Hall-Findlay
learning about other people's relationships
feeling smart
my lipgloss
cooking with my boyfriend
candles
being a woman
knowing final jepordy
The Globe and Mail
Feeling Special
Getting Mail
and so many more.

Another list b/c I am in the mood to post with nothing to say

A.B.O.U.T. Y.O.U.

could you live without the computer?: no, but I would like to think I could.
whats ur favorite fruit?: I'm going to go with blueberrys on this one.
what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?: emotional, though I don't think I've ever been in a great amount of physical pain.
trust others way too easily?: I trust people quickly, which is different than easily, and it's something I have always considered a good thing.

-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-

i want: to be happy. to make other people happy. to know what I want.
i wish: that the international community cared enough to do something about all the poor, uneducated, HIV positive people in the world.
i hate: people who are closedminded
i miss: not having a care in the world
i fear: watch Law&Order SVU, that's my fear.
i hear: STUDIO SIXTY ON THE SUNSET STRIP (which will has not been cancelled, despite lowish numbers, because the viewers are the ideal advertisers demographic)
i search: on google
i love: myself, my family, my friends, peopole who love me.
i ache: when I think about the elderly woman from the bus
i cry: when I am upset, and when i am being irrational, and when I chop onions
i do not always: to my schoolwork
i write: on my blog and not my thesis
i confuse: openess and closeness
daydreamer: absolutely
alcoholic: nope
freak: no more so than anyone else
brat: I plead the fifth
sarcastic: yah, but nothing compared to Devin.
goody-goody: yes.
friend: I try
shy: often
talkative: definetly
adventurous: not as much as I like, but more than I used to be
intelligent: on my good days

a delicious dessert: homemade pumpkin pie, ben&jerry's ice cream
a book you highly recommend: young men, stone butch blues
your favorite band: GBS
a film you could watch over and over: GoodWillHunting
a TV show you watch regularly: Grey's, Studio Sixty
you live in a(n): my apartment
your transportation: bc transit
under your bed or in your closet you hide: presents

Iraq

The medical journal The Lancet has published an article estimating the number of civilian deaths in Iraq since the war began is 650,000, or 2.5 per cent of the Iraqi population.

women and culture.

from Margaret Wente's column in today's Globe.

“I find the veil [my note: the column refres to the veil that covers the face, not simply a headscraf] offensive,” wrote Yasmin Alibahai-Brown, who said it is invariably connected to the most repressive forms of Islam. A woman in a niqab, she says, is just as much the victim of sexual objectification as a half-naked woman in a tube top. “The niqab expunges the female Muslim presence from the landscape and hands the world over to men.”

Okay - I agree. But how can I think society should allow one form of sexual objectification (a mini skirt and a tube top) and not think society should allow the niqab.

I don't think society should NOT allow the niqab, but I think that it should actively promote a competing beliefs system and encourage people to adopt a view of their culture/religion that does not include wearing a niqab. I also think that society should encourage all women to love and resepct their bodies, but does that mean actively promoting t-shirts and bermuda shorts?

Things going on in my head and the heads of those around me

1) Today I mailed a birthday gift to Ontario. It cost $11 to mail. Canada Post is not my friend.

2) I am a little bit stressed, and very busy, but I am happy. I am happy because the people in my life make me happy and I am because I make me happy.

3) One of the things I like about people is that no two are exactly alike. Even people you don't like, they are redeemed by the fact that they are an excellent version of themselves.

4) People who think blogging is a self-centred pastime are, or course, correct. People who think that blogging is a self-centred pastime and therefore is a bad thing are wrong. Everything we do is self-centred. Seriously. Other self-centred things include reading (who else does reading benefit, just you), watching t.v., going on holiday, etc. to the most fundamental things we all do.

Why do people have children? For the children? no, you don't know them, you do it for you*. Why do you believe in God, for Him, no, you believe in Him for you. Okay - I will grant there are a few people (Mother Teresa?) who help people to help them, and not for personal reward, but the average person? Some people might think this is overly cynical, but it's not; I don't think these are bad things, I think it is what it means to be human. To be selfish and flawed but to do the best job that you can at being that selfish and flawed person that you are.

*note: this is not to suggest that I think having children is always a choice, for many women, in many parts of the world, having children is not a choice. I am just saying that if you are choosing, you are choosing for you.

thanksgiving

Though today is offically thanksgiving, I had my thanksgiving celebrations yesterday, and they were lovely. Devin and I cooked a fabulous thanksgiving dinner, with lots of food, and I made a pie, which almost turned out. My plans for making pumpkin pie were thwarted by the fact that all the grocery stores near me were sold out of pumpkin by Saturday (go figure?) so I will pumpkin pie at some point in the future; in any case, I made a strawberry pie, including the crust, which was quite the achomplishment for me, seeing as it was my first pie.

There is this scene in sex and the city were miranda's new house keeper brings her a rolling pin and says in her Eastern European accent "so you can make pies. A woman should make pies." So this is me, taking up my womanly pie-making duties.

There was loads of left-over food, so tonight will be thanksgiving left-over dinner, which I am almost as excited about. Tomorrow I have to go have passport sized pictures of myself taken, and then go to school and start working like crazy for the next three days because I am behind schedule and most of this long-weekend was an academic write off. (This is not really a surprise, but still, I was hoping this weekend would signal a shift in a 20 year habit.)

Last thing - my fabulous friend stephanie is moving to America from Ireland. That's right. Now, she will only be 1 time zone and a 3 hour plane ride away, instead of 9 hour plane ride and 8 time zones :) And with any luck, by the time she arrives there will be a democractic House and Senate. I'm sure that would make her (and millions of Americans) much happier to be living in America.

at alex's request

NOW
Is your hair up?: yes
Is your phone right beside you?:yes, in fact I am talking on it.
Do you have a bf/ gf?: yes
Do you wish you were somewhere else? yes and no
Do you have plans for tonight?: yes. but they involve doing schoolwork.
Are you wearing makeup?: no
Are you wearing chapstick?: yes
Are you cold?: no
Are you tired?: no
Are you excited?: not really
Are you watching t.v.?: no
Are you wearing pajamas?: 1/2 pajamas
Who's the last person you IMed?: devin
Who's the last person that called alex

PAST
Anything you regret? of course
Ever lied?: yes
Ever stuck gum under a desk? no
Ever spit at someone? no
Ever kick something living? no
Ever had your nails done?: yes
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: no

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

LAST WEEKEND
Had any plans last weekend?: mainland plans
Who did you see most last weekend?: devin
Was last weekend interesting?: yes

TODAY
Have you yelled at someone? no
Have you gotten mad at someone? nope
Have you cried? no
Have you called more than 3 people?: I've called exactly 3
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: nope
Have you eaten anything gross? no

SPILL YOUR GUTS
Q. First thing you did this morning?: had a shower
Q. Last thing you ate?: serious coffee and vanilla latte
Q. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks? thanksgiving, finishing 1/2 my thesis
Q. What's annoying you right now? not being able to focus on school b/c it is saturday
Q. What's the last movie you saw? Charade (on t.v. the Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant version)
Q. Do you believe in long distance relationships?: no and yes
Q Where is the last place you went?: serious coffee and fairways
Q: Who is the last person you called?: alex
Q: Been cheated on?: no
Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? yes
Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): love
Q: Do you wish on stars?: yes
Q: Does it work?: i don't know.
Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them of: usually.
Q: When did you last cry? last weekend
Q: Do you like your handwriting? most of the time.
Q: Are you a friendly person? I think so. Though I can be shy at first.
Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world?? I don't think so....
Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
Q: What color shirt are you wearing? grey
Q: Do you have any pets? no. not yet.
Q: What is the color of your bedsheets? navy with a white duvet and pillowcases
Q: What were you doing at 9 last night? walking down foul bay
Q: last person you talked to : alex
Q: When is the last time you saw your dad? early July.
Q: Look to your left: random assortment of stuff
Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep? yes
Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder? I am going to say yes, though I can't think of a time.
Q: Song that makes you cry? I can't think of one.
Q: Are you normally a happy person? yes, I think so.
Q: Is your self-esteem low? no
Q: What color are your eyes? hazel
Q: Long or Short Hair : long-ish
Q: Current Music: no music. phone.

tragedy continued.

Imagine in five or ten or twenty years time being the boys who were allowed to leave the school. How could you ever forgive yourself? How at the age of 40 do you reconcile your life being spared when you were 10, when the life of your sister was not.

For that matter, imagine being one of the men whose life was spared at Ecole Polytechnique in 1988. They were not children, they chose to leave those women there to die. I am not saying they should have choosen to stay and die as well, or that they should have maytred themselves, leaving their own famillies to grieve. I am just saying, what an unbelievably difficult choice. And how different and yet the same the two situations are. How situations which are so obviously tragic are also so subtlely tragic. And I think, for me, it is almost more the subtle tragedies which are the most deeply affecting.

amish

In the past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about Wisconsin v. Yoder, the decision which excuses Amish children from education following 8th grade for cultural reasons. Since the tragedy in Pennslyvania earlier in the week, I have been thinking a lot about in Amish in a variety of different contexts. I don't know why, but this story has affected me more than many of the other far too frequent tragedies involving school shootings, domestic violence, child abuse and all those other things you wish were not a part of the world.

The one thing I keep thinking over and over again is that, thank god that man did not, was unable to, follow through with his intention to sexually assult or rape those young girls. The incrediable fear that that possiblity instill in me is something that I cannot even begin to articulate. Then, I feel so deeply (in equal measure) for members of the Amish community and members of his family. For his wife and his chidren, for the parents and brothers and sisters of those girls. I was watching a bit of Larry King tonight and apparently one of the first things the Amish did was to offer their forgiveness. I may disagree with Wisconsin v. Yoder, but how can I have anything but respect and awe from a community which is able to immediately offer forgiveness in the face of such a crime. (note: clearly there are issues with culture and autonomy and the role of individuals who do not want to offer forgiveness not having the choice, but that is not relevant to the broader tone and point of this point). On Larry King they also said that the family accepted the forgiveness. Which would also not be an easy thing to do. Apparently the family of the man was invited to the funerals of the girls, though it was insinuated that they probably would not attend. How could you? How could you go on. How could you explain that to your children? As a child and as a adult, how do you reconcile loving someone with the knowledge that they committed such a horrible crime? As with so many things of late, this situation, which should be unimaginable, becomes all too real, leaving behind questions which are not answerable.

bandwagon what now?

Today is Wednesday. This coming weekend will be Thanksgiving weekend. It will be my third Thanksgiving not at home, and I don't remember ever being upset before that I wasn't going to get to be with my family this weekend. But this year, I don't know, I am really disappointed that I won't get to see my family, parents, friends etc. this long weekend. Mainly my parents I think, because they were supposed to come visit me the following week, and now they are not. (something to do with buying a second property and being poor again).

And though I will still get to spend the holiday with one person I love, I wish that I could spend it with many people who I love. I always thought that my life would take me wherever I wanted to go - and I still do - but recently I have started to think that I would like to live in at least the same time zone as my parents. My current plan is to settle somewhere and then make my parents move to live near me; however, that probably isn't really fair. Anyways. the moral of my story is that I wish I was going to be able to spend thanksgiving at home.

friday night lights

I had a fabulous weekend (well night) in Vancouver. Taking the bus and the ferry and the bus for many many hours was not fun - but the Flames game was actually super fun. I think I like hockey more when I can see the whole ice (versus on t.v. when you can only see the current play) and our seats were excellent - they were super high up - but you could see really well. The only downside was that when we first got to the game, a person dressed up in a giant canuck-orca suit punched me. He punched me!! I think it was the Flames shirt.

Other things: I got a free room upgrade! My first ameretto sour in forever. remeniscing about the bushes at the airport bus stop. cold crepes in a freezing cold restaurant. listening to my ipod while almost falling asleep on the bus. seeing whales from the ferry! smoked salmon on a bagel. pumpkin flavoured gelato. meeting D. aunt and uncle.

song of the day: what I'm trying to say. the stars